Although she has only been the president of Whitman for a few short months, Kathleen Murray has revealed bold plans for the rest of the school year. During the first faculty budget meeting after Thanksgiving, Murray’s expressed her growing concern with Whitman-sponsored events.
“It has come to my attention that the entertainment brought to Whitman is severely lacking, and that trend ends now!” she exclaimed, before noting that there is “a particularly poor hip hop scene on campus.”
“After numerous contract negotiations, it’s confirmed, Kanye West is performing at Whitman before spring break.”
Silence swept the room as an astonished Jack Mercyvail posed the question everyone was wondering: “Where did we get that kind of money?”
“A great question!” responded Murray. “The budget only required mild restructuring. The bookstore will run fewer hours, there’ll be no bacon at Sunday brunches, and we’re releasing half of our tenure track social science professors.”
A murmur permeated the crowd, as students and faculty were lost for words.
“Is she serious right now?” muttered the bewildered ASWC president.
“I mean, it is Yeezy we’re talking about,” noted Dean of Faculty Patrick Spencer.
“He’s just so damn talented,” added another administrator.
Nods of agreement followed from the rest of the administration as an outraged ASWC stormed out of the room.
“Kids these days! Now, who wants to get some Taq on me? Or maybe I should say, on the generous donations from the Whitman Summer Internship Grant fund?” cackled Murray.
“What internship grant fund?” joked the rest of the staff.
On Monday, The Pioneer reached out to one of the previously dismissed professors and gathered first-hand insight into the recent actions taken by administration.
“Well, I was certainly upset when I heard the news,” reflected an undisclosed staff member. “But then again, how many people can say they lost their job for Yeezus?”
Although the campus seems divided over this issue, one thing remains certain: when the time comes, Ye’ will tear this school up.