How to Have The Best Spring Break Ever!

Tara McCulloch

Have no idea what to do over spring break? Have no fear! As everyone knows, the best solution for any type of confusion is to view a Hollywood film on the mystifying topic.

Over the years, film has taught me so many incredibly valuable lessons. “Iron Man 2” showed me that women can fight crime as long as they wear low-cut, black spandex suits. “Alice in Wonderland” taught me that if I ever want to make a Disney movie, then I should trip on acid. Finally, “High School Musical” helped me to realize that when I get emotional, I’m supposed to break out into spontaneous song and dance. Who knew? I sure didn’t! (Insert tap dancing here).

Since I had no idea what to do over spring break, I turned to “Spring Breakers” for some guidance. It was a really insightful film that allowed me to reevaluate my own plans. I was contemplating doing a service trip, but “Spring Breakers” showed me that I should actually focus on drugs, tanning oil and money. Here are some basic tips so that you too can have the best spring break ever.

1.   If you are at all cool, you should wear a bikini at all times during your break. I don’t care if it’s nighttime or if you’re vacationing in the North Pole. A bathing suit is an absolute must. As James Franco’s character Alien said, “Bikinis and big booties––that’s what it’s all about.” Preach.

2.   You need money. If you do not possess said money, then you must steal it from a local restaurant. Don a pink ski mask and stick up the place with a plastic squirt gun. I know it sounds ridiculous, but speaking from personal experience, it totally works. Once you get said money, you must proceed to lick it and rub it all over your body. If you do not like the taste of money, then I suggest marinating it in Sriracha and Brewer’s yeast––both of which can be found in the dining halls.

3.   Drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. Preferably cocaine.

4.   Spend some time in jail. It’s a super fun way to (bail) bond with your friends. Nothing screams “besties for life” quite like matching prison tats. If jail time does not fit into your busy schedule, then maybe spring break just isn’t for you.

5.   The most important thing to keep in mind is cultural appropriation. As James Franco’s Alien shows, the spring break experience is not complete without stealing from other peoples’ cultures and making them your own. Before I saw the film, I was so unaware of how necessary cultural appropriation is if you want to have the most fun spring break ever. Thank you, “Spring Breakers.”

6.   Finally, if worse comes to worst, listen to Vanessa Hudgens’s character, Candy: “Just pretend it’s a video game.” She’s so young and yet so wise.