New Year’s Resolutions

Tabor Martinsen

It’s been a month since the start of 2013, which means the last of everyone’s News Year’s Resolutions are in the deliberate process of being “forgotten”––along with “Tebowing”, Pinterest and unnecessarily screaming “YOLO!” when doing non-life threatening activities like jaywalking across the street. Like some of you, I was stupid enough to throw all my eggs in the Mayan Apocalypse basket, and thus thought that my far-fetched New Year’s resolutions would be inconsequential. As punishment for my naive and ignorant acceptance of a nonexistent apocalypse, I have decided to try and do something that no one has dared to try before- actually attempt to follow through with my resolutions. That being said here is a painfully and embarrassingly honest update on my progress (or lack thereof):
1) Resolution: To resist the urge to push any of the over-eager girls whose main new year’s resolution goals were to lose an unrealistic amount of weight by going to the gym every day for the rest of their lives.
Progress: Fortunately, I was able to follow through with this tempting resolution because every one of the over-eager girls dropped their gym resolution within the first week, making it impossible for me to not complete my resolution.
2) Resolution: To resist the urge to say “Ooh, that feels nice” every time a TSA agent pats me down at the airport.
Progress: So far, so good. Mostly because I have yet to go to an airport this year. Although I will admit that I made one slip-up by using the same phrase when I was being fitted for my suit.
3) Resolution: Start working on plan to get famous. (Sleeping with John Mayer, dating Kim Kardashian or auditioning for American Idol only so you can call Nicki Minaj a “Boob-alicious Hoe” is cheating and doesn’t count.)
Progress: This one is proving to be harder than I thought. I was planning on sabotaging a famous athlete by impersonating a made up, online girlfriend, but I guess someone bet me to it.
4) Resolution: To not fall asleep in all my classes.
Progress: To avoid conflict I stumbled upon the ingenious idea to sleep in my own room during class time so as not to disrupt my professor, classmates, or my resolution.
5) Resolution: To forget my Netflix account password
Progress: I’m already on the 4th season of “How I Met Your Mother,” and have finished “Friday Night Lights” and “Lie To Me” since the semester began.