Rejected from Whitman College

Josh Goodman

Whitman will notify all applicants for the Class of 2016 as to whether they will be admitted by April 1. The Pio raided the Office of Admissions and found some of the rejection letters they were sending out.

Dear Applicant,

You probably figured this out because this wasn’t in a big envelope, but in case you didn’t, we weren’t able to offer you admission. (And if you weren’t able to figure it out, then you really shouldn’t be going here.)

Sincerely,
Whitman Admissions

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Dear Applicant,

Sorry, we already have enough from Seattle.

Sincerely,
Whitman Admissions

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Dear Applicant,

We regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you admission at this time. We were impressed with your application, but this year’s applicant pool was very competitive. We are, however, offering you a spot on the Class of 2016 waitlist. Which is basically our way of rejecting you politely.

Sincerely,
Whitman Admissions

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Dear Applicant,

Please apply again when you learn to use words correctly. We know what you meant when you wrote “I strongly value adversity,” but still.

Sincerely,
Whitman Admissions

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Dear Applicant,

Tip for the future: don’t answer your cell phone in an interview. Btw, you’re rejected.

Sincerely,
Whitman Admissions

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Dear Applicant,

We were impressed with your application and planned to admit you. That is, until we saw your post on the Whitman Admissions Twitter: @WhitAdmit thanx 4 a good time. enjoyed the kegger in 2-west and tke afterwards. also best brunch everrr.

Sincerely,
Whitman Admissions

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Dear Applicant,

Your GPA was top notch, your recommendations were stellar, your SATs were great. Just, next time, check to make sure you’re not submitting the essay about why you really want to go to Beloit.

Sincerely,
Whitman Admissions

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Dear Applicant,

If you think writing about how you overcame having “shitty parents” who constantly grounded you makes for a good application essay, think again.

Sincerely,
Whitman Admissions

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Dear Applicant,

Why did you even bother applying here with a 3.6 GPA? I mean, sure if you were poor or something, and definitely if you were an athlete, but an ordinary white middle class guy? Puh-lease.

Sincerely,
Whitman Admissions

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Dear Applicant,

We know you just want to stand out
From valedictorian eagle scouts
But an essay that’s limerick
Is a desperate gimmick
We simply have to keep you out

Sincerely,
Whitman Admissions

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Dear Applicant,

Congratulations! You just saved yourself $200,000 in debt.

Sincerely,
Whitman Admissions