Q: DEAR TECHIE, I have a problem. My fingers can’t seem to stop touching the glossy screen of my brand-spanking-new fresh iPhone 4. It’s all I can do to break my gaze away from my new baby for any reason whatsoever. How can I fix this?
A: DEAR OBSESSED WITH MATERIAL OBJECTS, Wow, can you say first world problems? Look, dude, just get over the glamour of being able to check Facebook every two seconds and frantically gaze over your emails. Maybe if you keep in mind that you look like a douchebag staring down at some technology, you will be able to break your habit.
Q: DEAR TECHIE, My cell phone only functions if it’s plugged into the wall. This wouldn’t be a problem, except it essentially makes my cell phone a landline, losing all its portable capabilities. How do I cure my phone of this malady?
A: DEAR STONE AGE TECHNOLOGY USER, Well, looks like you are gonna have to stick around the house for a while. Might as well catch up on your shows while you text all your friends who are going out to see how much fun they are having. Alternatively, be bold and go out without your phone! However, under these circumstances, you will have to employ a buddy system.
Q: DEAR TECHIE, I love taking photos, but for some reason, the zoom button is stuck. Therefore I can only set the frame to be 10x larger than life. What can I do in this dire circumstance?
A: DEAR HOMIE WITH PATHETIC CAMERA, Well, as I like to say, there is no photo more beautiful than one that is up-close and personal of someone’s face. Gotta have that face all up in your face when you’re lookin’ at it. Hello, individual portraits! Or, if you really want to get a group shot or landscape view, no worries. All you have to do is walk about 100 feet back before taking the pic. A warning, though: an up-close picture of genitalia can make testicles look like desert landscapes.
Q: DEAR TECHIE, Christmas is coming up, and the battery life on my laptop computer sucks. Is it bad to ask for a battery for Christmas from my parents? Or should I get a whole new computer?
A: DEAR CHRISTMAS MIRACLE, Odds are, your computer is screwed. So what you should do is ask your parents for the full package: computer, surround-sound speakers, HD screen hookup, the works. Make them feel really bad for giving you a computer that had a battery which was doomed to fail: this was a terrible thing and you don’t know what you are going to do with yourself. Do this, and the tech world is your oyster.