In preparation for next week’s Admitted Student’s Day, the Backpage has decided to start thinking up some helpful facts for prospective students. Prospies need to learn to rely on us here at the Backpage to be their one trusty source for some good ol’ fashion real talk. C’mon, prospies, admissions packets? They don’t know your life!

• Our mascot, the Missionary, is actually just a byproduct of the school’s collective sexual repression.
• Although folks say you can eat the onions here like apples, nobody really does.
• Ocular herpes is real. Trust us on this.
• The most accurate translation of “Walla Walla” from Native American tongue is “Nowheresville”.
• President George Bridges (you may recognize him as that dude with the bow tie) is known by many nicknames, such as “G.B.”, “Bridge Over Troubled Water”, and “George”. You can call him these to his face.
• Prentiss Dining Hall serves more vegetarian dishes than most Whitties knew were possible.
• Contrary to the image propagated by the diversity-themed Common Application add-on, we’re pretty pasty.
• Everybody on campus knows how to play guitar. If you don’t know how, you won’t fit in.
• Marcus and Narcissa Whitman didn’t die. Their decapitated heads live on in glass containers full of liquid, kind of like in “Futurama”.
• The “California Burrito” at Taqueria Yungapeti has french fries in it. Yeah, I know, WTF?
• It’s possible to fall off the Bridge of Sobriety while sober. Twice.
• Getting really ridiculously good at Super Smash Bros. now will lead to infinite fame for the entirety of your first year. Also, everyone will whine about you.
• Whitman College campus has the highest heard of wheat-to-student ratio in the nation. This is the most useless fact ever.