First issue article, with corrections

by Not George Bridges

Dear First Years et al,

First off, I just wanna say: TWO-WESSSSSSSTTTTT!!! (read: D-Section) By now all you Two-Westers have probably figured out that you’re in that section for a reason. All your application essays pointed to one undeniable fact. You are all insanely badass. (George Bridges did not write this, sorry 2-West.)

On another note, you returning students may not know that there is a change in Jewett’s fourth floor (read: Iraq). Due to an excessive amount of RAs (read: WMDs) they have added another section. In addition to Four-East and Four-West there is a new section called Far-West. This makes the former Four-West the middle east. We support a free and democratic Four-West. If elections are not held in forty days, you will be bombed. (George Bridges did not actually write any of this, sorry Iraq.)

On a lighter note, there have been some serious changes here at Whitman. (This is true.   But George Bridges did not say this.)

– A lot of people think that the new fitness center will make the campus fitter. But we know you’re just going to the gym to watch the Food Network on the treadmill. Keep chasing that chocolate cake. Fatty. (This clearly stems from Dru and Stephen’s personal issues and is not meant in any way to affect the student body or alumni.   Also, George Bridges did not write this.)

– Because the new health center is in the old Japanese Interest House all of your health and wellness needs will be solved with a traditional kimono, samurai short sort and the insistence that you perform Hari-Kari. (First off, we want to apologize to Japan.   Despite the fact that George Bridges has an extensive knowledge of Japanese customs (he actually doesn’t, sorry for lying) he did not write this.)

– You may notice the lack of Pat Keef around campus. Well we are pleased to inform you that we have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Timothy Kaufman-Osborn will be taking his place. We look forward to his hilarious misadventures and his untimely death.   (Blatantly untrue.)

– As always, stay out of the forbidden forest and avoid the whomping shitberry tree. (Again, not true.   We don’t know what we were thinking.)

– If you have any idea who “RAB” is write to me at [email protected] God! I can’t wait for book seven. (This is just outright propaganda!)

That’s it. Enjoy the year. -GB (George Bridges did not write this.   He does not want you to enjoy the year.   Humor writing is so hard. We’re going back to poo jokes. (As long as our fecal matter signs a consent form.))