Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 6
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Illustration by Tyler Schuh

Which Campus Sculpture Are You?

Elena Aragon March 21, 2013
A quiz about what campus sculpture you are!

Circuit Horoscopes

Elena Aragon March 21, 2013
Whitman specific horoscopes!
Ten Things that Will Get You Weird Looks or Cause People to Question Your Convictions

Ten Things that Will Get You Weird Looks or Cause People to Question Your Convictions

Evelyn Levine March 7, 2013
An examination of certain habit that are not socially acceptable next year.
Whitman Goes Green

Whitman Goes Green

Tristan Gavin March 7, 2013
An examination of how Whitman has gone green lately, and George Bridges' possibly color-blindness.

Grateful Norovirus Apologizes for What It Did to Whitman Baseball Team

Matt Raymond March 7, 2013
Humor writer Matthew "Overweight" Raymond examines the relationship between the Norovirus and the Whitman Baseball team.
Top Five Places to Poop on Campus

Top Five Places to Poop on Campus

Kyle Seasly February 27, 2013
5. Tong Head in Tau Kappa Epsilon. Not only does it provide a great view of the majestic TKE parking lot, but it also has awesome shower curtains instead of stall doors. That way, you can pilot and co-pilot the pooper with someone. Plus, you're literally shitting on TKE! And let's face it, some of those guys really deserve to be shit on...
Illustration by Emily Jones

ASWC President Sex Tape Scandal

Evelyn Levine February 27, 2013
This past week, a sex tape of Associated Students of Whitman College President junior Beemon Shethmoozian surfaced. The video of the ASWC president, a plate of kale, a giant stuffed teddy bear and multiple members of the Whitman Events Board in what is presumably an empty Town Hall meeting has spread across campus like wildfire.
Illustration by Marlee Raible

Top Three Overused Phrases at Whitman

Tabor Martinsen February 27, 2013
Whitman students love using hip phrases almost as much as vegans love to remind us that they don’t eat animal products. Naturally, hip phrases move quickly through our small school, and chances are, if you've heard the phrase from more than two students, it will catch on and become “the cat’s meow”—in other words, completely ineffective and utterly obnoxious until you reach a point where if you hear the phrase one more time you swear on your life that you will abandon your studies and willingly lock yourself into a room that only has Enya music playing until the world has become a more tolerable place again.
Illustration by Asa Mease

‘I’m doing fine,’ Clearly Drunk, Non-Winning Mr. Whitman Candidate Reports into a Banana Peel

Matt Raymond February 21, 2013
Every November, Whitman College puts on one of its most widely-attended campus events—a not-so-real beauty pageant, known fondly as Mr. Whitman, in which eight senior men celebrate the completion of a three month-long fundraising drive for a charity chosen by a Whitman student. The eight contestants are judged on a combination of their fundraising successes and their performances in the formal, swimsuit and talent portions of the show. As with all beauty pageants, there must be a winner—and of course, as with all beauty pageants, there must be the grim, devastating consequences of losing—the pain associated with realizing that nobody ever remembers the runner-up.
Illustration by Tyler Schuh

Corrections Issue 4

Tristan Gavin February 21, 2013
In Issue 4 of The Pioneer, our editors let slip some errors that may have even circumvented the critical eyes of our three readers (Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Grandma!).

ASWC Debates Student Phi

Kyle Seasly February 21, 2013
“I’m pretty confused,” were the first words out of senior Phi Phan’s mouth in an exclusive Skype via satellite in high-def 20 bit per second streamed through youtube interview with the Backpage, when he was informed that ASWC was “debating him.” “Is this some type of sick joke? The people who wear ASWC t-shirts are annoying enough, but now they’re ‘debating’ me! They owe me $14. I think…”
Eminem Puzzle

Eminem Puzzle

Julie Peterson February 21, 2013

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