Whitman Wire

Happy Halloween!

October 25, 2006

Be Scary. Be Safe. Jack o' Lantern "My insides are burning... and it's not because of the candle, it's because of the syphilis." Black Cat "I don't hiss to be bad luck. I hiss because my genitalia hurts so much." Phantom of the Opera "I still have phantom pains from my one night with my angel of ...

News Bits

October 19, 2006

by Alex Henke ACLU lecture deemed too conservative for friendly Whitman turnout Nadine Strossen, the president of the ACLU, is predicted to deal with a string of heckles and boos during her guest lecture due to her authoritarian standpoint relative to the Whitman average. Due to the sacred unspok...

FAMILY WEEKEND PAGE or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Pay the College $40,000 a Year

October 19, 2006

Whitman's departments: an examination for the parents Editors Note: We all know Whitman is a wonderful place. However, this weekend you are going to be spoonfed a lot bullshit. Excuse us, bullpoop. We here at the Back Page have compiled a list of lesser known facts about the departments and major...

News Bits

October 11, 2006

by Alex Henke Supreme Court says 'no' to sex toys hearing, 'Thomas has talked enough about them' The Supreme Court refused to hear a case involving the Texas ban of the promotion of sex toys in the shape of sexual organs on Monday, stating that they'd heard enough about sex toys from Justice Thomas...

Disclaimer

October 4, 2006

Disclaimer: The contents of this page are entirely fictitious and intended for humorous effect. The resemblance of any actual person, living or dead, is entirely incidental and not meant to hurt or offend any person, place or thing. Disclaimer 2: The above disclaimer is entirely real (except for the c...

First issue article, with corrections

October 4, 2006

by Not George Bridges Dear First Years et al, First off, I just wanna say: TWO-WESSSSSSSTTTTT!!! (read: D-Section) By now all you Two-Westers have probably figured out that you're in that section for a reason. All your application essays pointed to one undeniable fact. You are all insanely badass. ...

News Bits

September 27, 2006

by Alex Henke Devil offended by all the politician comparisons The Devil arose from the dreary pits of Hell, Michigan, to clear his name and distance himself from the politicians he has been compared to in the past week. Lover of Jesus, hatred and the snack aisle, Reverend Jerry Fatty Falwell apolo...

The Forgotten Fraternity: ∔ T∔ 

September 27, 2006

This week the Back Page takes a look at the history of our school and of the famed fifth fraternity: ∆T∆ (or Delta Tau Delta for you non-classics major independents out there). What was this mysterious fraternity about? Why did they become disbanded? Do you call measured qua...

News Bits

September 20, 2006

by Alex Henke Bruised and dismayed Republican senators 'reluctantly agree' to implement Bush torture bill Shortly after leading Republican senators who support a slightly anti-torture bill met with the president in his newly created 'special interrogation' room, each senator returned to Capitol Hill b...

A few words of advice from your Back Page Editors

September 13, 2006

by Stephen Carter & Dru Johnston Hi First-Years. College can be tough. We should know.   We're both fat.   So in order to help you through this tough transition, we've compiled a list of some helpful tips that we wish we were given. Sincerely, Dru and Stephen -Do you own a guitar? Play your g...

News Bits

September 13, 2006

by Alex Henke Pro-wealth Christians evangelize in Beirut, terror level rises A new wave of Americans have reaffirmed their equal love of God and Benzes by taking   "evangelivacations" to Beirut, Lebanon and convincing the local population that God wants all Christians to be rich.   "Sure, my immortal ...

Address from the President

September 13, 2006

by George Bridges Dear First Years et al, First off, I just wanna say: TWO-WESSSSSSSTTTTT!!! By now all you Two-Westers have probably figured out that you're in that section for a reason. All your application essays pointed to one undeniable fact. You are all insanely badass. Seriously D-Section, how ...

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