Fantasy Football is taking over Whitman’s campus, but one man is the most mediocre of them all. Kyle Seazly is owner/GM/president/coach of the startup TKE1 league’s Steroid Nut Shrinkers. The Nut Shrinkers have jumped out to a hot 4-4 record, good enough for fifth place of the eight-team league.
In a controversial announcement, Whitman College announced that Ben van Beurden, the Dutch CEO of the Shell Oil Company, will be the next President of the college. This end of the search has come after months of shady backroom bar meetings at the Green, candidate interrogations and discussions with Grow Your Endowment Executive Search Consultants, the consulting firm hired to assist in the search process. The presidential search as a whole cost the school 70,000 dollars and two of George Bridges’ nine lives. Thus, the college is very excited to finally welcome van Beurden as a Whittie.
The act of studying consists of checking Facebook.com, searching for YouTube videos, and finding new music on the internet. However, usually these do not accomplish anything besides extending study time and giving you an excuse to say you got less sleep than the other Whitman student. You were “studying so late last night.†This continuous system ramps up the stress. If this sounds like you, I have a couple videos that will help you distress through laughter and confusion.
The one aspect this country of America really holds above everything else is sports. That is why soccer is not one of the most watched sports in America and NASCAR has 75 million fans. Football has been America’s love since day one except for baseball. It is a different story. Baseball is America’s pride and glory.
It has been only three months since militant townies first started making an appearance in Beta’s sacred lands. However, since that time and because of some lightning-fast tactical raids, the townies have managed to gain control of the gravel pit, the rope swing and Kyle Seasly’s guitar. Now, I know what many of you reading at home must be thinking: “Beta is a barren, worthless wasteland. Why should we care?†I was of a similar opinion until I was informed that Beta is one of the leading exporters of PBR, American Spirits, cynicism and many other raw materials upon which Whitman society is built. I traveled to this war-torn region of Whitman Campus on a drunken bender last weekend to analyze the geopolitical landscape further.
“Experience Your America,†is the slogan of the National Park Service. When say that, they mean rolling hills, the purple hues of sunsets, pristine forests old growth trees and the crisp bite in the air that reminds you are glad to be alive. It seems like our America has become rolling hills of urban sprawl, the purple hue of your 2 dollar grape slurpee that should really only cost 25 cents, pristine forests of shelving at home depot, and that glad to be alive feeling you get the next morning after doing edward forty hands and passing out in the Beta bushes. While these things aren’t necessarily bad, National Parks are better.
Under cover of darkness, on the bottom floor of a dank and poorly lit parking structure, I met a man who referred to himself only as “Cleveland Steamer.†He was an old friend and sometimes source, who worked for the federal government and did not like to be called at his office. What he revealed to me blew me away.
