Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 6
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Student unable to confidently add to class discussion

Ben Freedman October 20, 2015

According to numerous reports across campus, many Whitman students are unable to contribute in class without first conceding that everything they say they might be completely incorrect. Joseph Beacon-Stanley,...

Varsity Nordic must change name or start skiing

Clara Wheeler, staff writer October 20, 2015

Due to excessive confusion among the student body, the Whitman improv group Varsity Nordic has been given an ultimatum: to change their name to something more befitting to an improv group or to start living...

Map of Campus

Austin Biehl October 15, 2015

A rundown of campus, for all of our visitors! Admissions Skewing statistics to make school seem less White. Anderson Hall Retractable curtains providing ample room for shower orgy Sexiled...

Clinton Forfeits Race to Sanders After Whitman Endorsement

Meg Rierson, Backpage presidential correspondent October 7, 2015

The most recent polls are in: Bernie Sanders has overtaken Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nomination, causing Clinton to forfeit to Sanders before the first Democratic debate. The deciding...

New Wing of Hell Opens for Whitman Quiet Room Offenders

Jeffrey Gustaveson, Humor editor October 7, 2015

Officials in Hell have unveiled a new wing of the Underworld designed specifically for people who accidentally make noise in the quiet room. The expansion comes as part of a joint effort between Satan...

In the News

Jeffrey Gustaveson, Humor editor October 7, 2015

Ted Cruz blames Obamacare for his hangnail On the campaign trail Wednesday, GOP presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz, who has promised a campaign chock full of "hard truths that Americans need to...

Whitman Instagram: A Champions Guide to Crushing the Competition

Whitman Instagram: A Champion’s Guide to Crushing the Competition

Austin Biehl, Staff writer October 1, 2015

Illustration by Claire Revere. Whenever you see a Whittie on their phone, there’s an excellent chance that they’re doing one of three things: getting out their aggression by down-voting everything...

Scientists urge public to crank up A/C in effort to cool planet

Clara Wheeler, staff writer October 1, 2015

Scientists have confirmed that due to global warming, this next winter could be the warmest yet, unless we act fast. Unlike the usual environmental issues that impact solely the poor, this one will be...

Jackpage: “Who Killed the Pork Chops?”

Jack Swain, columnist October 1, 2015

“It looks like it’s going to rain,” the supermarket checkout girl said. “When it rains, it pours.” I replied. Her name tag said "Claire." I looked at Claire’s hands. She had dirt under her...

Father Concedes His Toddler Not Yet A Person

Ben Freedman, staff writer September 24, 2015

After much reflection, Walla Walla native Jim Schindler formally announced that his one and a half year old son, Tommy, does not yet deserve the recognition of personhood. “Once he was born there...

How to Be PC at Whitman

Austin Biehl September 24, 2015

A recent poll shows that 88 percent of Whitties care deeply about other people thinking that they’re politically correct. Even if you don't care much about making a show of how PC you are, it's important...

New Accommodations Available for Students Shielding Themselves from Outside World

Meg Rierson, staff writer September 24, 2015

Plans have recently been approved to allow a new vendor to begin selling large sheets of bubble wrap for students to wrap around themselves in an effort to protect their fragile self esteems from the difficult...

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