Whitman Wire

Brave Whittie eats as many rocks as he possibly can during climbing trip over spring break

Brave Whittie eats as many rocks as he possibly can during climbing trip over spring break

Anthony Reale, Infrequent Rock Toucher

April 3, 2019

As spring break ground to a close, the student body began making their way back to Whitman College. However, before Mario McRocksaclimb could begin his return journey from “Red Rocks” — a McDonald’s PlayPlace that many Whitman climbers frequent in the city of Predictable, Colorado — he faced a dilemma...

Fans outraged as Stuart Little cast in live-action Ratatouille

CJ Fritz, Stale Lollipop

April 3, 2019

When news broke in June 2018 that the greatest film of all time, "Ratatouille," was going to be remade as a live-action film, the world rejoiced. In response to the announcement, a record number of babies named Remy and Linguine have been born this March. The live-action film was well on its way to ...

The Oracle Speaks

Maddie Ott, Flavor Scientist at Dorito Labs

April 3, 2019

As one does, I was having a nice stroll across Ankeny, basking in the fresh 45-degree weather, and listening to trap music on my headphones. I felt confident good, the wind blew my hair in such a way that I felt like a singer onstage or like a wild horse racing across the open West. However, as I wa...

DMV Eye-Spy games propel Conspicious Tie-Dye T-Shirt Clad Man to fame

Ann Karneus, Grandma-at-Large

March 27, 2019

Man of the hour Roger Turnble unwittingly became the center of attention earlier this week when he made the last minute decision to go to the DMV wearing his signature multi-colored Grateful Dead t-shirt. Little did he know that this zany, pit stained shirt would actually catapult him into the position...

After 3 Weeks of Intense Love-Making, the Dreaded ‘Talk’ Comes Up Again, and The Whitman Student Body is Here For It!

Maddie Ott, Soil Salesperson

March 7, 2019

They had met at an outrageous Whitman party. Hormones surged as the potential couple began to high-key grind on each other. It all happened in a split second. The next morning they were spotted at Cleveland, delicately sipping on soy lattes, and then literally in the next two days they were spotted hold...

Administration grants students a snow day!

Anthony Reale, Sigh Cook

March 7, 2019

Let’s face it.  It has been a dismal three weeks.  No one remembers what the sun looks like, students are eating shit left and right, and the buildings are resembling those ice hotels they have up in Canada. Students, after subsisting on solely frozen water for two weeks, began protesting the ...

Juul Labs launches new line of battery acid; sewage flavored pods

Juul Labs launches new line of battery acid; sewage flavored pods

Ann Karneus, Owner of Dr. Feelgood's Olde Bar and Grille

March 4, 2019

In a statement released last Thursday, the popular e-cigarette company Juul Labs Inc. has announced a rebranding campaign that seeks to increase transparency regarding the effects of their products. In less than five years, the irresistibly sleek Juul model has dominated the e-cig market and become ...

Whitman Student Relocates Third Time in One Hour After Getting No Homework Done at Previous Location

Ashlyn Quintus, New Yorker Feature Writer and Cryer

February 28, 2019

Martha has sh*t to get done before Spring Break. Last Saturday, Martha was resolved that she would at least get her reading and paper outline done. She reportedly sprung from her bed and headed out of her home because she knew she would get distracted there. She headed to the town’s hit coffee shop ...

Straight man has bombshell realization that ancient Greece was really gay

Straight man has bombshell realization that ancient Greece was really gay

Ann Karneus, Tomb Raider's Elderly Aunt

February 28, 2019

Earlier this week, reports surfaced detailing one straight man’s shocking revelation: men from Ancient Greece zealously partook in homoerotic activities. Zach Hunters — age 34, six years single, credit score average — made this discovery after he unknowingly stumbled across a History Channel™ spe...

OCS finally commits murder to get a student to go abroad

OCS finally commits murder to get a student to go abroad

Anthony Reale, Decaffeinated Honeydew Officer

February 28, 2019

Whitman College was hit with another scandal Wednesday as Off-Campus Studies Director Theresa F. Uckoff was arrested for murder in the first degree. According to authorities, Uckoff had pieces of Whitman parent Amanda X. Enophobe in her office cabinets. Enophobe had gone missing at the beginning of ...

Miracle: Local White Person Hates White Supremacy and Now It Doesn’t Exist!

Ashlyn Quintus, Record Label Manager

February 24, 2019

Hip Hip Hooray! White supremacy is gone! All thanks to one special snowflake Connor Johnson who not only decided that white supremacy is indeed bad, but stated he “hates” it. The Wire sends its largest notes of gratitude to Connor, who so graciously extended his mind and judgement, for one second, to de...

Op-Ed: I vaccinated my kid and now he’s a nerd

CJ Fritz, Miss South Dakota Runner Up 1967

February 24, 2019

This is what they warned me about. I assumed it was fake news. I thought it couldn’t happen to me. Not my family. Last week, my son was such a chill, cool kid. He rarely turned in his homework, flirted with every girl he could find and refused to listen to me. How I wish I could have that time ba...

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