Whitman Wire

Mortified vegan accidentally swallows a gnat

CJ Fritz, Kitten Critic

November 1, 2018

Carmen Allen stares out the climbing gym window, casting her forlorn gaze across Alder Street as she relives the tragic moment. She fiddles anxiously with a carabiner. As Allen recalls, it was 3:45 p.m. on Sunday when she left her house, named The Carrot Crevice, for a jog. Dressed in running san...

Mom spends night in Jewett

Maddie Ott, Crab-on-the-Cob

November 1, 2018

The moment has arrived. The dreaded question of the weekend. She, the mother, squares her shoulders and looks deep into her 18-year-old son’s eyes. Without hesitation she asks, “and where shall I sleep tonight Cody? I am fine sleeping on the floor, but I am also comfortable sharing the bed with you.” ...

I fart too big & no one is nice about it

Ashlyn Quintus, Candy Corn Guzzler

October 31, 2018

My deepest fear, a re-occurring nightmare in fact, is being somewhere public with many or few people around me when I let out a horrible toot. A big honker. A whizzpopper so stinky, so loud and obvious it can't be covered by the classic squeaky shoe gimmick or smelt it dealt blame game. No doubt am I t...

What’s Worse: Walking in on Your Teacher in the Bathroom or Having Them Walk in on You?

Ann Karneus, Mean

October 25, 2018

Hey folks: while this week’s article may seem like a laughing matter, it is not. Those out there who are easily embarrassed: read at your own risk. I’m breaking down the question at hand because it’s something I have been personally agonizing and losing sleep over for the past few weeks. Allow...

Big Toenail Shows No Signs of Giving Up

Big Toenail Shows No Signs of Giving Up

Maude Lustig, Foot Fetishist Fetishist

October 25, 2018

Lifelong Walla Walla resident Ralph Macchiato has certainly “nailed it...” when it comes to growing toenails that is. Hahaha. It has been 207 days since Mr. Macchiato has trimmed his toenails, and he claims that he is loving his new clipper-free existence. “It’s just one less thing I have to worr...

Whitman Boy’s Wealth Exposed over Parent’s Weekend

Annelise Ellingboe, Lobster Taunter

October 25, 2018

Junior Josh Collins had skillfully hidden his family’s wealth until Parents Weekend, but was outed as a secret rich kid as he left brunch with his parents. Josh was spotted by some of his peers stepping out of Bread Co with his Patagonia-clad father and mother dripping in lululemon and Kate Spade. Jo...

Zumba Club Arrested Over Ritual Sacrifice Allegations

Zumba Club Arrested Over Ritual Sacrifice Allegations

Anthony Reale, Dumpster City's No. 1 Food Critic

October 25, 2018

Last Tuesday, 34 sweatband-clad Zumba dancers were cuffed and booked at the downtown branch of the Walla Walla Police Department.  The dancers smiled the whole time, laughing about the various posters on the walls that have been up since 1964. It was such a joyous, raucous group that any passerby could h...

Help, It’s My First Rodeo!

Maude Lustig, Front-Facing Cowgirl

October 22, 2018

Oh boy, I am screwed. I mean, it’s the day before the big rodeo and I have absolutely NO idea what I’m doing! Everyone says that the first rodeo is the hardest and I’m completely out of my depths here! Like...do I bring a gun? People bring guns to rodeos, right? For the gunfights? And the la...

New Study Reveals that Over One-Half Of Whitman Graduates Live Out of Van Post College

New Study Reveals that Over One-Half Of Whitman Graduates Live Out of Van Post College

Maddie Ott, Canned Beef

October 22, 2018

According to the esteemed PEW Research Center a new study was released last Monday finding that over half of Whitman graduates are now living out of their vans. From 2008 Honda Odysseys to renovated Volkswagen buses the versatility speaks to the ingenuity and creativity of Whitman students. Crusted with...

Helpful Hilda

Ashlyn Quintus & Annelise Ellingboe

October 22, 2018

Hilda, Hi. Something is not right. My dog, a small large corgi/great dane mix named Henry, cannot stop... tooting ): Even my guests are concerned and refuse to enter my abode because of the gruesome scent. Worse yet, I am starting to wonder if he is doing it to spite me. He now does it whenever our ...

Man quits therapy, gets girlfriend instead

Man quits therapy, gets girlfriend instead

CJ Fritz, Mayor of TickleTown

October 19, 2018

Three weeks ago, Kevin Nance was a normal shmuck seeing a therapist every week to work through his problems. Like an idiot, for months Nance was paying for local therapist Terry Jones’ expertise backed by Jones’ PhD in counseling psychology. One day, while shelling out cash following a therapy session, Na...

Wow: Everyone’s Pissed and Exhausted

Wow: Everyone’s Pissed and Exhausted

Ashlyn Quintus, Small Grandmother

October 13, 2018

A recent study by those who rightly give a shit about humanity finds that everyone who is anyone is not only pissed, but exhausted. With an administration that is constantly challenging intrinsic rights of its citizens by appointing representatives who treat others like shit, are pieces of shit, or just...

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