Whitman Wire

Kid who didn’t have cable growing up has slight superiority complex

Illustration by Megan Waldau

Ann Karneus, Dirty Dan

December 12, 2019

Comfortably sitting in the top 50th percentile of Whitman College, sophomore Michelle Fenley prides herself on her intellectual prowess and refined taste. Her secret? Not having cable growing up.  “I didn’t really like watching TV when I was a kid. I was much more content to read a book or go and ...

Student can’t wait to get out of class and get a head start on lying in bed

Illustration by Hannah Paul

Ashlyn Quintus

December 12, 2019

Whitman junior Lena Jenkins was reported not being able to focus in her class, Rhetorical Bodies, due to all the work she has ahead of her. Finals season is upon the Whitman student body, and work beckons with a plethora of deadlines. Jenkins’s work includes (but is not limited to) two papers, a j...

First-year spontaneously combusts after saying something dumb in Encounters

Elise Sanders, Encounters Major

December 12, 2019

Last Wednesday, Professor Pluford’s Encounters class was met with disaster when student Taylor Brown spontaneously combusted in the middle of class after saying something really dumb, according to eyewitnesses. “I remember it happened at 11:25 in the morning,” student Joan Du Bois stated. ...

Stunning reveal: Adopt-a-Grandparent senior and their Whitman student are now dating!

Maddie Ott, Head Chef of Your Worst Nightmare

December 12, 2019

It’s been two weeks since Girdle Franny and her Whitman student friend, Karl Fiend, declared their love for each other. The cute couple started as mere platonic partners through Whitman’s Adopt-a-Grandparent program. When Karl first received his assignment, nobody realized how physically compati...

Kasey “Catfish” Joseph: Whitman’s Dean of Humans discovered using fake online profiles to stay in touch with student culture

Madeline Kemp, Miffed

December 5, 2019

The Dean of Humans humbly addressed the Whitman community over the weekend to apologize for the scandal caused by his use of false online identities. Throughout the fall, he created fake social media profiles, posing as students, to join class Facebook pages and listservs undetected. “I want to ass...

Birkenstock-clad student gets frostbite on toes

Illustration by Anika Vucicevic

Elise Sanders, Ambassador for The Bermuda Triangle

December 5, 2019

The cold season is upon us; we feel it in the frosty morning air and the freezing fog. However, some students are not willing to give up fashion relics of a warmer season — and they are beginning to pay the price. Student Chad Grayson has taken a stance against the chill by wearing Birkenstocks well in...

Super fan Steve Bannon furious to learn that Ariana Grande fans not called “Aryans”

Ann Karneus, Athlete

December 5, 2019

Former White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon took to Twitter last night upon discovering that Ariana Grande’s fans call themselves "Arianators," and not "Aryans." “I had always searched the tag #aryan, and – while I’m always pleased with the search results – I became increasingly confu...

I don’t know what quid pro quo means and I’m too scared to ask at this point

Annelise Ellingboe, Official Zucchini Guardian

December 5, 2019

I know that I should have looked it up a long time ago, but now I think it might be too late. The acceptable duration of living in ignorance has passed. “Quid pro quo” is all I think about. I turn red when people say it, terrified they’re hoping to discuss the impeachment in detail. “So fucked up,” ...

High demand pushes counseling center to hold sessions in Reid

Illustration by Lanh Tran

Ann Karneus, H0rny

November 21, 2019

As daylight savings time rolls around and seasonal depression settles over campus, the Welty Counseling Center enters its busiest time of year. In order to handle the excess of students clamoring to vent for an hour about their raging feelings of emptiness and unfulfilling hook ups, the Counseling Center...

Reel Rock 14 goes from giant Whitman orgy to more intentional sex club

Maddie Ott, Munchkin With An Appetite

November 21, 2019

Last year, Reel Rock was steamy. The greater outdoor community and their brave companions indulge in some of the most sexually explicit activity Maxey Auditorium has seen, besides Rocky Horror. Reel Rock — a series of documentaries dedicated exclusively to rock climbing and rock climbing related activ...

Local turkey busy prepping for death

Illustration by Megan Waldau

Annelise Ellingboe, Vegetarian

November 21, 2019

After meeting with his lawyers this week to finalize his will, local turkey Albert Gobbleneck met me at a local diner to discuss pre-Thanksgiving stressors. “Ugh, this semester is killing me,” he said, while rummaging through his backpack for his vape pen. “Sorry. I’m just so stressed out. I have ...

Tattoo sleeves do little to keep area man warm

Illustration by Anika Vučićević

Elise Sanders, Are You Satisfied?

November 14, 2019

Autumn’s arrival in Walla Walla brings with it torturous cold air and freezing nights. Local man Aubrey Snow, wishing to combat the cold and save money on a winter coat, developed a seemingly foolproof plan by having jacket sleeves tattooed on his arms. “You know, I figured it would be a long te...

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