Whitman Wire

Tensions rise at home when parents start re-watching “Call the Midwife” on PBS

Illustration by Elie Flanagan

Maddie Ott, Finger Lickin' Good

April 11, 2020

“First you want me to join the family read-aloud circle, and now you want me to watch 'Call the Midwife' with you and dad!? I’m outta here!!” screamed 21-year-old Melly Snooks to her confused parents on Sunday night. It had taken her parents nearly an hour to solidify their decision to rewatch CTM, ...

Six things to do again because you have no choice!

Illustration by Anika Vučićević

Ashlyn Quintus, Home-Dweller Extraordinaire

April 9, 2020

Hi y’all. I thought I would make a little listicle for you to use as a tool as we navigate these weird times at home! While social distancing, let’s look at six things to do again because you have simultaneously lost all control while adhering to the CDC’s strict control; you have no choice! ...

April Fools’ Day reported to have “hit different” this year

Ashlyn Quintus, Negative Debby

April 5, 2020

This year you could have literally said or done anything that would later be revealed as an “April Fools” and I would not care. There is nothing that would have fazed me. Since Whitman’s announcement of cancelling in-person classes, graduation and most importantly, The Renaissance Fair, I find...

Administration begins threatening students to discourage them from staying on campus

Administration begins threatening students to discourage them from staying on campus

Ann Karneus, Squatter

April 3, 2020

As the Whitman campus practically shut down and classes moved online in light of the global pandemic’s worsening situation, the administration has repeatedly urged students to pack up and go home. But what first started out as strongly worded emails has now escalated to a full-scale attack on stubb...

We need content now more than ever

Maude Lustig, Avid Reader

April 2, 2020

To reiterate the last 10 emails we’ve received from the college, we are living in uncertain times. The coronavirus pandemic is the latest craze sweeping the nation, driving all of us into our houses and forcing us to “spend time with ourselves.” Many people are now having to confront the person t...

How to enjoy spring break during an epidemic

Illustration by Hannah Paul

Maddie Ott, A Corn Husk

March 12, 2020

With the days before everyone leaves and contracts coronavirus (COVID-19) dwindling to a close, the urge (and, quite frankly, panic) to finalize spring break plans is upon our campus.  You may be looking around and noticing that the friends you thought would commit to going on a week-long Enchantme...

Foot fetishists urge public to make carbon footprint as large as possible

Ann Karneus, Toe Sucker

March 12, 2020

Last week, Foot Fetishists United (FFU) issued a controversial press release stating that they are in support of climate change.  “While overwhelming scientific evidence shows that the planet is warming, we actually see this as a positive footstep in the right direction. We urge the public to r...

Surprising! School finds letting sick students stay home makes them healthier

Annelise Ellingboe, Hamburger Liason

March 12, 2020

Whitman faculty and staff were shocked this week as students returned to classes healthier after allowing them to stay home sick.  Following the announcement that sick students should be excused from class without verification from the health center, many professors noticed an initial drop in att...

To increase accessibility, OP will host initiation in wilderness of Ankeny Field

Illustration by Lanh Tran

Fielding Schaefer, Arc’teryx Rep Dude

March 12, 2020

Whitman has long discouraged the hazing practices of fraternities and sororities. But only recently, as the school and student body confronts the walls that restrict attaining the Whitman ideal of “outdoorsiness,” has Whitman questioned the Whitman Outdoor Program (OP)’s excruciating annual in...

Tree to student ratio shattered after fallen tree revealed to be plastic replica

Ann Karneus, Prospective Student

February 27, 2020

A bombshell realization rippled across campus last weekend after students discovered a disturbing truth: nearly all Whitman trees are fake.  After the pine tree outside the library fell this past Sunday, a student — who already had a hunch — investigated the scene and quickly deduced that the tr...

Immortal born on Leap Year celebrates 100th birthday

Elise Sanders, Going to the Store You Need Anything?

February 27, 2020

Local immortal Aurelia Brodeur will be celebrating her 100th birthday on Feb. 29, 2020. Brodeur, born almost 400 years ago, achieved immortality by means of a spooky potion brewed by an even spookier witch for the price of two goats. After spending a few centuries traveling the globe and making friends wi...

Tips and tricks to get the best bang for your buck at Cleveland Commons

Illustration by Hannah Paul

Fielding Schaefer, Dry-Erase Board Supremacist

February 27, 2020

Your flex dollars are precious. Despite all your good karma from returning your eco takeout and tweeting about social justice, you’re often served less dinner than you’d like. Here’s a foolproof guide on how to #hack Cleveland Commons.   Everyone knows that Bon App serves more food to bigger students....

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