Whitman Wire

We Started A Week Later And Everything Feels Weird Now

We Started A Week Later And Everything Feels Weird Now

Maude Lustig, Spicy Meatball

September 26, 2019

Welcome to the article, my children. Well, here we are. The bell tolls on another year at Whitman. The slow frivolous days of summer are slipping away into fall, and the pitter-patter of first-year feet decks the halls. Yet this year we received an unexpected gift: an extra week of summer and the fu...

Students Begin to Vomit for Pure Sport in Cleveland Commons

Students Begin to Vomit for Pure Sport in Cleveland Commons

Maddie Ott, Knows How To Lock Doors

September 26, 2019

As students file back into Cleveland Commons with their eyes trained on the Noodle Bar, Global Section and Comfort Food area, their minds grow with the untapped potential of what their dining facility has to offer. Once 6 p.m. rolls around, the students frantically commence the start of the school year by...

Uh Oh: Area Woman’s Day Sucks After Grim Co-Star Update

Ashlyn Quintus, Professional Dog Mocker

September 26, 2019

Junior Janet Stubbs felt at ease last Thursday afternoon. She was staying on top of work, ran into a friendly dog and only had two iced coffee drinks from the Cleveland Cafe. Yes, all was well for Janet... until she felt a little buzz in her pocket. It was then that Stubbs received an ominously specific ...

‘Food At Home’ Actually Tupperware of Slugs

‘Food At Home’ Actually Tupperware of Slugs

Annelise Ellingboe, Heir to Rat King

September 23, 2019

Junior Margaret Muppenhoush was just trying to do the right thing. She was tired of checking her bank account and only seeing $3.54 on her debit card, so this past Friday, when she got that 4:45 p.m. “Sushi?” text from good friend James Jumbleholt she knew she had to turn it down. She resigned h...

Summer Article: Family is Disappointed When Man Baby Returns Home From College Addicted To “Game of Thrones”

Maddie Ott, My Little Pony Enthusiast

May 3, 2019

“A nicotine addiction is expected,” grumbled John Patricks, the father of Simon Patricks, speaking about his twenty-year-old full grown man baby who recently returned home from college. “Ever since Joey came home his days consist of eating two bagels in the morning, returning to his room to ...

Student awarded internship grant, will spend summer being burned alive

CJ Fritz, Sk8r Boi

May 3, 2019

Whitman student Donna Milton excitedly announced to her friends yesterday that she has been awarded the highly coveted Whitman Internship Grant for the summer of 2019. The internship grant, intended to allow students to pursue unpaid internship positions while still making money, will fund Milton...

A Whitman Year in Review

Ann Karneus, My Little Friend

May 3, 2019

During the past 2018-2019 academic year, our small liberal arts school was confronted with many a scandal and responded in the usual fashion of addressing issues at surface level and then waiting an appropriate amount of time to forget about them completely. There were no druggings (as far as we know)...

Tony Talks: Farewell

Anthony Reale, Humor Editor

May 3, 2019

It is strange to consider that Whitman will be leaving me behind in a mere two weeks, but alas, the world continues to turn and I continue to spill the filth that I consider comedy from deep within my subconscious.  Before Whitman regurgitates me with unceremonious force into what is known as the Adult...

Roasts of Tony

Roasts of Tony

May 3, 2019

Ashlyn Quintus: Anthony Reale... you mean a crepe!? Spread damn thin, but still sweet. Maddie Ott: Dearest Tony, I have not known you for very long so I am going to go for some low hanging fruit. You are really tall; sometimes I think that people always see you, but you never see other peop...

Editor Hot Takes

May 3, 2019

Anthony: Establishing a meaningful reason for why your behavior, art or performance is weird matters so much more than showing us how ‘quirky’ you are. Samarah: Everyone who frolfs kinda looks the same. Jack: During the frigid month of February I didn’t think Ankeny could possibly get any whiter. I stan...

Community Poll: What are the Top 7 Things to Do in the Cleveland Bathrooms?

Maddie Ott, 50 Cent's Mother-in-Law

April 25, 2019

The responses have been pooled. The answers came in with resounding speed and accuracy. The student body has declared what officially is going on Behind the Scenes in the Cleveland bathrooms. From bottom to top, here are your top seven answers:   #7: A good ole’ dash to the bathroom to pe...

Breaking: Mama Bear only made 79% of porridge Papa Bear made

Breaking: Mama Bear only made 79% of porridge Papa Bear made

Ann Karneus, Vogue's Shortest Correspondent '04

April 25, 2019

In a Vanity Fair article published last week, shocking allegations have come to light: the beloved bear actor Kelly Evans aka ‘Mama Bear’ from the smash hit "Goldilocks and The Three Bears" revealed that she received a salary roughly 21 percent lower than her male co-star and real-life ex-hu...

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