Whitman Wire

Serious epidemic hits Whitman!

Serious epidemic hits Whitman!

Anthony Reale, Campbell's Rat Noodle Stew

February 14, 2019

Something is gleaming brighter than snow this winter season, blinding the entirety of Whitman students. No it’s not the shiny rejection letters that seniors are receiving from potential jobs — it’s white boys’ legs! No one knows how to stop these apparently fearless boys from failing to p...

Walla Walla Valentine’s Day Restaurant Edition: What Your Choice Means for Your Budding Relationship

Ann Karneus, Best Baked Alaska Runner-Up 1923

February 14, 2019

Valentine’s Day is coming up, and you know what that means: it’s time to forcibly define that blossoming relationship you’ve been tentatively cultivating. Two weeks in or four months in, the politics of choosing that perfect spot can be complicated. So I’m here today to guide you through the...

Helpful study tip: do your fucking homework you pathetic piece of shit

Ann Karneus, Eight Frogs in a Trench Coat

February 8, 2019

Hey folks — this week I want to get personal and share some tips with you that have come in handy time and time again when I’m having trouble motivating myself. I’m all too familiar with the crippling mental block that prevents you from getting any work done, and I bet you are too, you piece o...

Student Surveillance Soars to Sensational State!

Student Surveillance Soars to Sensational State!

Anthony Reale, Moistest Envelope Licker '73

February 8, 2019

After an extensive research project, The Wire has uncovered a shocking crime perpetrated by the administration.  The crime — student surveillance — was committed by Director of Bullhorns, Mad Lib Emails and Communications, Grosh Grensen. Grensen apparently used the same techniques as Ms. Frizzle ...

Student Casually Closes Out of Forgotten Porn Tab in Front of Class Before Giving Powerpoint

Ashlyn Quintus, Red Robin's Slammingest Chungus 2017

February 8, 2019

At 10:14 a.m. last Wednesday, in the classroom of Religion Studies 136, the professor and students thought it was going to be like any other day of student presentations. With the lights off and students leaning back and ready to doze, Ben Flicker moseyed up to the front of the classroom with his lapto...

After Success of Chuck E. Cleaves, Board of Trustees and Administrators Look to the Seas for New Way to Drain Endowment

After Success of Chuck E. Cleaves, Board of Trustees and Administrators Look to the Seas for New Way to Drain Endowment

Anthony Reale, Can Opener's Brother-in-Law

January 29, 2019

Deep within the chenille-lined boardrooms of Memorial Hall, there lies an unmarked mahogany door. Behind this door is a velvet ballroom, within which the most secret and important meetings that the administration has happen. This room, lovingly dubbed “Murray’s Bar and Grille” by admins, was fi...

Greedy uncle lands dream job in Alumni Fundraising

Greedy uncle lands dream job in Alumni Fundraising

CJ Fritz, Soggy Broccoli

January 28, 2019

On Monday morning, Whitman College proudly announced the addition of a new member to its ranks of faculty. Lenny Andrews, local greedy uncle, was added to the renowned staff at Alumni Fundraising. According to Andrews, working at Alumni Fundraising has always been a dream of his. “Growing up, I...

In an Unsurprising Turn of Events, Reel Rock 13 Viewing Turns Into a Giant Whitman Orgy

Maddie Ott, Firmest Jello '06

January 28, 2019

With the thundering and heavy noises of Adam Ondra, a very well known rock climber, echoing in the ears of at least one hundred Whitman climbers and students at the much anticipated viewing of "Reel Rock 13" in Maxey auditorium last Thursday, the mood escalated from an excited murmur to a full blown...

Breaking: Patiss replaces coffee with well water; will only accept the king’s coin henceforth

Ann Karneus, Digestible Crayon

December 7, 2018

In a shocking twist, Whitman students’ beloved Colville Street Patisserie has made the infrastructural decision to replace all coffee with well water. But how, and precisely why, is the coffee shop heralded for its metropolitan feel departing from a business model that is already certifiably successful?...

Unfair: Whitman Student Has Ridiculously Productive Break

Unfair: Whitman Student Has Ridiculously Productive Break

Ashlyn Quintus, Crab Cake Organizer

November 29, 2018

  "I am just as surprised and relieved as you are!"      Whitman junior Rodney Rodnus exclaimed and assumed of the interviewer regarding his shockingly productive Thanksgiving break. Rodney is one of one student(s) who feel that they made above and beyond of their time spent over this past week...

The Perfect Gift For the Perfect Lift: Three Heroic Stories of Gift-Giving Found in Rides-Digest

Maddie Ott, Tortellini Charmer

November 29, 2018

Our first Good Samaritan was a simple man with a simple plan. Once his father brought him to the attention that he would need to find his own ride from Pasco back to Whitman, his heroic tendencies kicked into gear. With a nonchalant attitude, he adds to the dozens of riders-digest emails with th...

Thanksgiving break reminds Whittie that most people fall somewhere between treebark-eating ultrafeminist and homophobic oil baron on political spectrum

Annelise Ellingboe, Inexplicable Corn Nut Addiction

November 29, 2018

First-year student Ernest Wilderby experienced severe culture shock after leaving Whitman for Thanksgiving for the first time since beginning school. Having become a kind of Cultural Bubble Boy within Whitman’s socially-conscious walls, the real world suddenly felt abrasive and intensely callous to the st...

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