Whitman Wire

First-year breaks through with ingenious new reading of Marx

Ann Karneus, Rejected Mathlete

September 28, 2018


Filed under Humor

Whitman first year Tom Jones, who recently finished three chapters of “The Communist Manifesto” in Encounters, thinks that he’s ready to take a stab at what exactly this Marx guy is all about. After conducting an in-depth interview with expert Tom, let’s hear what he has to say about that tantalizing...

Oblivious Walla Walla tourist verging on third week at Stanton after mistaking it for resort

Ashlyn Quintus, Hard-Boiled Leg

September 28, 2018


Filed under Humor

Ahh … the end of September – when the leaves begin to turn, the air begins to crisp and Whitman’s campus says “adieu” to its first whole month in action. Well, all but one particular resident, who doesn’t know he really should say “adieu” … really … please … it’s weirding...

Adidas customers burning merchandise after latest scandal

CJ Fritz, Three Corns Stacked in a Trenchcoat

September 28, 2018


Filed under Humor

Last week, Adidas CEO Trent Whitestick was embroiled in controversy after announcing that he prefers wearing boxers instead of briefs. After catching wind of the shocking scandal, many Americans took to social media to show their disapproval of Whitestick’s life choices. Many disgruntled Adidas...

Sorority Recruitment Kicks Off With New Acrobatics Portion of the Selection Process

Maude Lustig, Hot "No Diggity" Dog

September 24, 2018


Filed under Humor

Disclaimer: The Wire must disclose that the author of the following article did not “get into” the sorority she wanted during rush. But she is NOT bitter. She made that very clear to us. Well, it’s been two weeks since school started, and you know what that means: it’s time for first-year...

Panhellenic cancels Sorority recruitment in light of giant bird destroying tea sandwich table

Ann Karneus, Afraid of Bicycles

September 24, 2018


Filed under Humor

This weekend was supposed to be the finale of recruitment, where first years would attend Tea Day and ultimately decide which sorority they clicked with the most. But what happened next was nowhere to be found on the recruitment schedule. As people sat down for an afternoon of festivities, a shrill and...

Theatre reportedly not doing another musical for the next 400,000 years

Theatre reportedly not doing another musical for the next 400,000 years

Anthony Reale, Skrillex Apologist

September 24, 2018


Filed under Humor

After the success of its last musical, Cats, Jarper Hoy Theatre enjoyed a brief moment in the spotlight on Whitman’s campus.  Students were violently interested in when the next show would return to Jarper Hoy–even to the point of spray painting an enormous depiction of Broadway darling Nathan La...

Rock Climbing?? Haven’t We Evolved Past That?

Maude Lustig, Cutie Patootie

September 24, 2018


Filed under Humor

No one wants to say it because they’re afraid some rock climbing bro with bulging triceps will put them in an inescapable armlock. But not me. I learned long ago that the best way to escape an armlock is with a swift donkey kick to the nads – a donkey kick of truth. So here it is: rock climbing is...

I Am Part of the Resistance Inside TKE

CJ Fritz, Self-Proclaimed Hero

September 24, 2018


Filed under Humor

The TKE house at Whitman College faces a test to its fraternity that threatens to bring the entire brotherhood crumbling down. It’s not just that women, queer and trans people, people of color, and people from working-class families are endangered by or excluded from TKE. The test that TKE faces...

Area dog owners fed up with unpaid labor

CJ Fritz, Amateur Porcupine Hugger

September 23, 2018


Filed under Humor

A crisis in unpaid labor is gripping the Walla Walla area. Exploitative practices and unchecked privilege have led to the abuse of some of the area’s most important workers: dogs. For 150 years, Whitman College students have capitalized off of canine unpaid emotional labor, and area dog owners...

ORIENTATION IN REVIEW: IN A SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS SEATTLE KIDS STICK TOGETHER

ORIENTATION IN REVIEW: IN A SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS SEATTLE KIDS STICK TOGETHER

Maddie Ott, America's Next Top Waddle

September 23, 2018


Filed under Humor

WHITMAN CAMPUS—Navigating the maze of small talk remains a laughable topic year after year at First-Year Orientation. However, if you enter Whitman campus surrounded by an abundance of familiar faces, the aggressive, shark-infested waters of orientation grow a little calmer. Clad in Birkenstocks and Su...

TonyTalks: Welcome Back

Anthony Reale, Crab Polisher

September 23, 2018


Filed under Humor

Ah, the scent of first-year confusion. This is the one of those things that brings me back to campus every year, alongside watching first-years bump into statues and apologize, actually do homework (like this is school or something,) and the best hazing ritual that the college has ever practiced:...

Best of 2017-2018: Procrastination Sensations!

Clara Wheeler, Mic Dropper

May 3, 2018


Filed under Humor

It’s not something people are proud of, but everybody does it in private. They say it dulls your brain, but then why does it feel so right? That’s right, we’re talking about procrastination. We’re not here to judge, so here are some of the best ways to avoid responsibility. You dirty bird. Pack your ...

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