Whitman Wire

New Study Reveals that Over One-Half Of Whitman Graduates Live Out of Van Post College

New Study Reveals that Over One-Half Of Whitman Graduates Live Out of Van Post College

Maddie Ott, Canned Beef

October 22, 2018


Filed under Humor

According to the esteemed PEW Research Center a new study was released last Monday finding that over half of Whitman graduates are now living out of their vans. From 2008 Honda Odysseys to renovated Volkswagen buses the versatility speaks to the ingenuity and creativity of Whitman students. Crusted with...

Helpful Hilda

Ashlyn Quintus & Annelise Ellingboe

October 22, 2018


Filed under Humor

Hilda, Hi. Something is not right. My dog, a small large corgi/great dane mix named Henry, cannot stop... tooting ): Even my guests are concerned and refuse to enter my abode because of the gruesome scent. Worse yet, I am starting to wonder if he is doing it to spite me. He now does it whenever our ...

Man quits therapy, gets girlfriend instead

Man quits therapy, gets girlfriend instead

CJ Fritz, Mayor of TickleTown

October 19, 2018


Filed under Humor

Three weeks ago, Kevin Nance was a normal shmuck seeing a therapist every week to work through his problems. Like an idiot, for months Nance was paying for local therapist Terry Jones’ expertise backed by Jones’ PhD in counseling psychology. One day, while shelling out cash following a therapy session, Na...

Wow: Everyone’s Pissed and Exhausted

Wow: Everyone’s Pissed and Exhausted

Ashlyn Quintus, Small Grandmother

October 13, 2018


Filed under Humor

A recent study by those who rightly give a shit about humanity finds that everyone who is anyone is not only pissed, but exhausted. With an administration that is constantly challenging intrinsic rights of its citizens by appointing representatives who treat others like shit, are pieces of shit, or just...

How to Survive These Times: Liberal Snowflake Edition

Maddie Ott, Allergic to Muppets

October 12, 2018


Filed under Humor

We’ve all been there… your new iPhone 8 vibrates in your pocket and you eagerly glance at it hoping to see a text but are completely blindsided by an Apple News Update that brings your glorious liberal bubble crashing down. Brett Kavanaugh has been voted into the supreme court. Attempting to reco...

Snacks, Gas Money Provided for 4-Day Carpool Ride, but not Good Times

Ann Karneus, Corn Nut Addict

October 12, 2018


Filed under Humor

In a shocking display of falsity and deceit, Whitman freshman Dave Atkins did not supply what he promised on the drive back to Whitman from four-day. After posting a frantic request on the [email protected] listserv at 3:47 a.m. on Saturday morning, Maddie Wilkins promptly replied the ne...

Area Man Accidentally Voices Opinion on Israel

CJ Fritz, Notorious Jew

October 12, 2018


Filed under Humor

On Sunday morning, local man Gavin O’Neil was rushed to the hospital to be treated for shock and trauma. According to witnesses, O’Neil had been attending brunch with friends at Bacon & Kegs when the topic of Israel came up without warning. O’Neil, taken by surprise, accidentally voice...

Reid Airlines Takes Off!

Reid Airlines Takes Off!

Anthony Reale, Tooth Fairy's Ex-Wife

October 8, 2018


Filed under Humor

The Whitman College campus was a dreary piece of shit until the renovation of Reid Campus Center was completed. Some might say it was Stanton Hall that was the crowning jewel of the blood diamond crown of money spent in renovations this summer.  Others say it will be Chuck E. Cheese Dining Commons (w...

BIRKENSTALKER SITUATION NEUTRALIZED

CJ Fritz, Professional Kissing Booth Attendee

October 8, 2018


Filed under Humor

For weeks, the Birkenstalker has terrorized the Walla Walla community, leaving Birkenstock owners clutching their sandals tighter than ever. Dogs have stopped playing, children have stopped laughing, and the sun has stopped shining. Since mid-August, the Birkenstalker has preyed on unsuspecting B...

Feeling Extra Rebellious Whitman Student Steals a Chair From Tennis Tournament, Sets it in the Middle of Ankeny, Sits on it, Runs Away.

Feeling Extra Rebellious Whitman Student Steals a Chair From Tennis Tournament, Sets it in the Middle of Ankeny, Sits on it, Runs Away.

Maddie Ott, Interested in Narcotics and Black Market Frisbees

October 8, 2018


Filed under Humor

The anticipation of the kill, the thrill of the chase, the satisfaction of accomplishing the hunt is all crucial aspects of surviving in this harsh world. Much like the biological drive to hunt and catch prey, the stereotypical rebellious Whitman student can also feel that innate burning desire to go in...

All campus statues to be retrofitted with speakers that endlessly blast “Business to Learn”

All campus statues to be retrofitted with speakers that endlessly blast “Business to Learn”

Anthony Reale, Corbin Bleu Impersonator

September 28, 2018


Filed under Humor

President Kathyannabellemonroegeorgiajohnnabetherine Murré’s tenure as leader of the College has hit its fourth year, marking a significant moment in the College’s history.  Every time a new president hits their fourth year in office, they are required by the Sweet Onion Blue Mountain Missionary...

Whitman changes mascot to Shrek to break Whitman bubble, integrate local onion culture

Whitman changes mascot to Shrek to break Whitman bubble, integrate local onion culture

Annelise Ellingboe, Imitation Freegan

September 28, 2018


Filed under Humor

Wednesday, 4p.m. — In response to the student body’s outcry for a change, President Kathy Murray and Dean of Students Kazi Joshua have issued a joint statement declaring that Whitman College’s mascot, The Blue Mountains, will change yet again to Shrek. The statement comes on the heels of rally...

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