Whitman Wire

After 3 Weeks of Intense Love-Making, the Dreaded ‘Talk’ Comes Up Again, and The Whitman Student Body is Here For It!

Maddie Ott, Soil Salesperson

March 7, 2019

They had met at an outrageous Whitman party. Hormones surged as the potential couple began to high-key grind on each other. It all happened in a split second. The next morning they were spotted at Cleveland, delicately sipping on soy lattes, and then literally in the next two days they were spotted hold...

Administration grants students a snow day!

Anthony Reale, Sigh Cook

March 7, 2019

Let’s face it.  It has been a dismal three weeks.  No one remembers what the sun looks like, students are eating shit left and right, and the buildings are resembling those ice hotels they have up in Canada. Students, after subsisting on solely frozen water for two weeks, began protesting the ...

Juul Labs launches new line of battery acid; sewage flavored pods

Juul Labs launches new line of battery acid; sewage flavored pods

Ann Karneus, Owner of Dr. Feelgood's Olde Bar and Grille

March 4, 2019

In a statement released last Thursday, the popular e-cigarette company Juul Labs Inc. has announced a rebranding campaign that seeks to increase transparency regarding the effects of their products. In less than five years, the irresistibly sleek Juul model has dominated the e-cig market and become ...

Whitman Student Relocates Third Time in One Hour After Getting No Homework Done at Previous Location

Ashlyn Quintus, New Yorker Feature Writer and Cryer

February 28, 2019

Martha has sh*t to get done before Spring Break. Last Saturday, Martha was resolved that she would at least get her reading and paper outline done. She reportedly sprung from her bed and headed out of her home because she knew she would get distracted there. She headed to the town’s hit coffee shop ...

Straight man has bombshell realization that ancient Greece was really gay

Straight man has bombshell realization that ancient Greece was really gay

Ann Karneus, Tomb Raider's Elderly Aunt

February 28, 2019

Earlier this week, reports surfaced detailing one straight man’s shocking revelation: men from Ancient Greece zealously partook in homoerotic activities. Zach Hunters — age 34, six years single, credit score average — made this discovery after he unknowingly stumbled across a History Channel™ spe...

OCS finally commits murder to get a student to go abroad

OCS finally commits murder to get a student to go abroad

Anthony Reale, Decaffeinated Honeydew Officer

February 28, 2019

Whitman College was hit with another scandal Wednesday as Off-Campus Studies Director Theresa F. Uckoff was arrested for murder in the first degree. According to authorities, Uckoff had pieces of Whitman parent Amanda X. Enophobe in her office cabinets. Enophobe had gone missing at the beginning of ...

Miracle: Local White Person Hates White Supremacy and Now It Doesn’t Exist!

Ashlyn Quintus, Record Label Manager

February 24, 2019

Hip Hip Hooray! White supremacy is gone! All thanks to one special snowflake Connor Johnson who not only decided that white supremacy is indeed bad, but stated he “hates” it. The Wire sends its largest notes of gratitude to Connor, who so graciously extended his mind and judgement, for one second, to de...

Op-Ed: I vaccinated my kid and now he’s a nerd

CJ Fritz, Miss South Dakota Runner Up 1967

February 24, 2019

This is what they warned me about. I assumed it was fake news. I thought it couldn’t happen to me. Not my family. Last week, my son was such a chill, cool kid. He rarely turned in his homework, flirted with every girl he could find and refused to listen to me. How I wish I could have that time ba...

Mystery Solved: Professor revealed to be garden gnome

Maddie Ott, Ground Beef Donation

February 24, 2019

In the beginning, there was the sense of suspicion. Dressed in an elaborate linen lederhosen, and topped with a homemade knit cap, Professor Chuckles L. Smiley only drew stares from her classes. Rumors floated around campus earlier that year that there was a professor who lived a double life as a gard...

Bluewood excited to announce new technique for keeping students at P&P

Bluewood excited to announce new technique for keeping students at P&P

Anthony Reale, Unofficial Bullhorn

February 24, 2019

The Power & Privilege Symposium has partnered with Bluewood Ski Resort for the last 20 years now, after the discovery that some people use the day off to “shred the gnar.” P&P and the Ski Resort have been a bit frazzled in trying to figure out how to get Whitties off the slopes and into the Sym...

Ground Crew Gives Up

Maddie Ott, Famous Plaintaff from Kraft Foods vs. The United States

February 14, 2019

As they gather at the physical plant, the general mood is somber. With heavy hearts they turn their heads to face the storm. Holding hands in solidarity, they stare out the window, unified against the power. Mother Nature laughs in their grim faces as She utterly destroys Whitman’s campus. Snow, two i...

Big Tobacco begins drowning smokers to lower lung cancer statistic

CJ Fritz, Has a Rock in His Shoe

February 14, 2019

On Monday, Big Tobacco rolled out its newest marketing campaign for smokers. For years, scientific evidence has conclusively proved that smoking causes several types of cancer, especially lung cancer. In order to undercut the evidence, the marketing department of Big Tobacco has devised a way to...

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