Whitman Wire

Whitman Arts Corner: An SNL review from Regis, Whitman’s oldest student

Ashlyn Quintus, Column Coordinator

October 19, 2019

This week's edition of the Whitman Arts Corner column is brought to you by Regis (b. 1933, class of 2023), Whitman’s oldest current student. This week it is of my utmost pleasure to share with you my take on the hit comedy show, "Saturday Night Live." I loved the show as a young adult and remembe...

Confession: I’m addicted to taking up space

Confession: I’m addicted to taking up space

Madeline Kemp, Lactose Sensitive

October 19, 2019

I’ve thought about it, and this confession needs to be made publicly. Only recently did I start to notice my strange habit, and I am hoping it doesn’t get any further out of hand.  I became aware of the space I was taking up when I thought I had been minding my own business, reading and stre...

Well-known Whitman couple discovers they are distant cousins after birth of first child

Well-known Whitman couple discovers they are distant cousins after birth of first child

Maddie Ott, all 'bout baby talk

October 19, 2019

There’s nothing quite like the feeling of your first child being born, mixed with the shocking realization that your baby daddy and long-time partner is related to you on your mother’s side. Unsuspecting, and mostly innocent, this Whitman couple was shocked to learn that their family trees actuall...

ASWC swears they have “special treat” in store for students

Maude Lustig, Stan

October 19, 2019

ASWC leadership announced early this week that they have a special treat in store for the Whitman student body. Bogged by criticism and low campus support, ASWC established the Smiles Across Campus (SAC) Committee dedicated to raising trust in our student government. The SAC Committee had been gi...

Yee: It’s spreading and it’s spreading fast

Annelise Ellingboe, Darth Vader Ginsberg

October 9, 2019

The Health Center is on red alert this week after patient patterns revealed the spread of a condition that is knocking out an alarming number of Whitman men. The epidemic, currently nameless but unofficially called “YeeYeeism,” has ripped through Whitman campus, rendering affected young men unable to re...

Top five x-treme skincare tips for bros

Top five x-treme skincare tips for bros

Elise Sanders, Voted Most Likely To Cry In High School

October 9, 2019

Hey bros, are you ready for some life-changing advice? Of course you are — bros are always down for that. Listen here, I was listening to this scientific podcast the other day and they argued that 3-in-1 body wash does not make a good face wash. Yeah, I was shocked too. But I really trust this podcast...

Whitman cycling team trades bikes for skateboards in an attempt to get laid more

Whitman cycling team trades bikes for skateboards in an attempt to get laid more

Maddie Ott, Eats Raw Tea Bags

October 9, 2019

Perhaps once upon a time, skintight cycling shorts and a Whitman-sponsored cycling jersey got Whitman students all flustered and up in a chatter; however, things are changing around campus, and the leadership on the cycling team can sense this. As senior captain Wiggy Leener put it, “We need atten...

Thank god: These seven ideas will save your four day

Ann Karneus

October 9, 2019

With Four Day looming, we know you’re scrambling to figure out a plan. But never fear — these travel tips will elevate your break from a solid four to a soft six.  Go to Portland. Carpool with a random Whitman student and make uncomfortable conversation for four hours. F**k a voodoo donut! B...

Pensive Victorian poet poetically coughs blood into handkerchief

Pensive Victorian poet poetically coughs blood into handkerchief

Elise Sanders, Saw A Salamander Once

October 3, 2019

Last Sunday, local pensive 19th century poet Loventry Poesworth-Byrontë found cause to celebrate when he was rushed to the clinic after he began coughing blood into his delicately embroidered, monogrammed lace handkerchief.  “I found him in an absolute fit!” recalled housekeeper Mrs. Carfax. “I was in...

School district meets standard quota of one creepy teacher

Ann Karneus, Recovering Candy Crush Addict

October 3, 2019

Late last week, Barry Crendshaw was selected by the Fairfield, Iowa, school board to fill the highly anticipated creep-in-residence position.  As a cultural and institutional staple of the American education system, the presence of one creepy teacher per school district has been celebrated for gene...

Alum looking forward to wild night in Health Center

Madeline Kemp

September 30, 2019

Last weekend was alumni weekend, and Dave Teppner, class of ‘83, knew exactly how he wanted to relive his favorite party nights at Whitman. There would be the obligatory spots, of course, to show the kids how it's done. But what really mattered was making it to the only place that truly signifies a lege...

Roommate’s boyfriend is over again

Roommate’s boyfriend is over again

Maude Lustig, Saucy Minx

September 30, 2019

Gracie Hardway cheerfully boop be-bopped home Wednesday night to share some exciting news with her housemate Hannah: she had finally gotten her period. She threw open the door with an excited, “honey, I’m home!” only to see a male figure seated on the couch.  “Oh... hey Damien,” Gracie greeted. Dami...

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