Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 6
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Illustration by Kimberly Auran.

Class of 2026: By the numbers

Grace Canny, friend of someone who works for Admissions April 21, 2022

Whitman College wants to extend the warmest welcome to the class of 2026. These students have earned admission to our prestigious institution through their exceptional academic achievements and incredible...

Cold weather attributed to God, not climate change

Rachel Husband, teehee girl April 21, 2022

The strange weather of this past weekend has been attributed to the presence of God in the greater Walla Walla region. Snow, hail, sunshine and rain have been spotted on Whitman campus within a 24 hour...

Illustration by Madi Welch.

How to get over your spring allergies

Sammy Fitts, One of the Gays April 21, 2022

The earth tilted a degree and your entire immune system stopped working, so guess it must be spring. So you grabbed your five boxes of tissues to keep at your desk, filled your pockets with Allegra...

Tell me your Cleve sandwich order and I’ll tell you how you’ll meet the love of your life

Carmel Stephan, was too lazy to put a job title April 14, 2022

Everyone has their special wecial ‘wichy order they get at Cleve, but could the selection of meats and cheese mean more than satisfied taste buds? The universe works in mysterious ways, one of which...

Solving the mystery of my own murder

Sammy Fitts, Better Sherlock Than Bennadrill Cumberbun April 14, 2022

Everyone remembers the article about me being murdered. That article was a joke and I am not a replacement Sammy. The article called for help from the good readers of The Wire. Unfortunately, none of you...

Illustration by Madeleine Stolp.

Auntie Lee’s last minute thesis tools

Lee Thomas, Academic Genius April 14, 2022

Auntie – Please, dear God, help us. I gotta turn in my thesis draft soon, and my boyfriend just received some soul crushing feedback. Too much feedback. Please tell me you've got some thesis advice...

Illustration by Astrid Ketcham.

Wild West duel occurs over last good parking spot near Stanton

Grace Canny, Cannot Parallel Park April 14, 2022

On Sunday, as a hot wind blew through Walla Walla, the greatest showdown of the entire 2021-2022 academic year took place: a battle over the last decent parking spot near Stanton. A little before...

Guide for titling your unnamed off-campus house

Lee Thomas, Can I crash at yours for a few days? April 7, 2022

Sophomores, on-campus juniors, first-years who got away with lying about their age, the time is nearing for you to move out of Papa Whitman's house and into your own abode. Some of you will be graced to...

Illustration by Kimberly Auran.

Make Your Own Humor Article!

Conor Bartol, A(n) [adjective] [noun] April 7, 2022

Whitman College was shocked today by news of a(n) (adjective) ________ scandal involving a(n) (adjective) _________ (noun) _________. (your favorite professor)__________, (adjective)________ member...

Illustration by Kai Bowen.

Student orders 4lbs of bees to Reid post office

Grace Canny, dutiful roommate to Alissa Berman April 7, 2022

Early Wednesday morning, while all of campus slept, a detectable hum was in the air. Not a single bird dared chirp nor a duck dare quack. Whitman was nearly silent except for one building: Reid Campus...

House of former RAs build too much community

Grace Jackson, News Editor April 7, 2022

When 6 former Residents Assistants (RAs) moved into 6969 Valencia St—or the Hague—they were all excited to get away from the first-years. “We’d all been working so hard on programs that no one...

Illustration by Astrid Ketcham.

Bridgerton season 2 review

Carmel Stephan, Peasant April 7, 2022

I’ll be perfectly honest with you: I didn’t finish the first season of Netflix's hottest Regency-Era romance series, but this isn't to say that I don’t know my shit. I knew Bridgerton wasn’t...

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