Rachel Husband, Trapped in a Gray 2021 Ford Explorer
• October 5, 2022
Dear Mom,
Please come pick me up. I am somewhere in Utah camped along the side of Interstate 70; I don’t really know where. All the nice photos on social media are a LIE. I’m sorry I haven’t called,...
When all else fails
And it feels like I can no longer prevail
What is the one precious thing
To which I cling?
When all has been lost
What is free of cost
That lets me have my fill
And...
On Sept. 9, 2022, Peter Harvey sent the email heard 'round the world—Whitman is now mask-optional! Some of Whitman rejoiced, burning masks and other muzzling devices on the Cleveland Commons patio. Some...
On Wednesday night, a first-year student was abducted from their room in Anderson C-sec and taken hostage by a group of unknown choir students. Starting the next morning, campus security spent a fruitless...
Conor Bartol, It’s not a tin foil hat, it’s an aluminum chapeau
• September 29, 2022
Did you enjoy The Wire’s interview with Whitman president Sarah Bolton a few weeks back? Well, buckle up and ready your brain pan for this juicy truth nugget—you’ve been fed lies, a true crock of...
Ian Lewis, Styx Watch reporter
• September 29, 2022
In a breaking story, The Wire can now confirm that Styx ate a guy. The seemingly immobile horse statue briefly became animate this Thursday to hunt and eat a human being before returning to its position...
Lee Thomas, Has anyone seen my sanity anywhere recently?
• September 22, 2022
Submitting for honors by October, grad materials by November, scheduling senior check-ins … what more could we possibly need to do to get out of this joint? Well, don't hold your breath, because I've...
Carmel Stephan, The real life taxman (watch out)
• September 22, 2022
For those of you who may not be privy, last Friday, the Whitman College Instagram posted a Beatlesque “Happy Friday” post of new President (and secret fifth Beatle?) Sarah Bolton. As it turns out,...
Conor Bartol, Author of "Robin Hood vs. Godzilla" (not yet published)
• September 22, 2022
Newly elected crowned monarch King Charles had the chance to reign for a good ten, maybe twenty years if he was lucky. But it seems that chance may be gone forever, after a young boy in England pulled...
As the 2022 school year has gotten off to a hot start, Whitman students have been suddenly possessed with the absolute certainty that someone, somehow, is going to fuck it up.
Despite eventual failure,...
Grace Canny, interior designer extraordinaire
• September 15, 2022
I’m sure you've been to one of these abodes — quirkily named, maybe a little run down, but not without charm! The kitchen might be small, and maybe the house is lacking AC, but the third bedroom supposedly...
Ian Lewis, President and Founder of the Whitman Wire
• September 15, 2022
In a blow to amateur ghostbusters across campus, the so-called “Olin Specter” has been discovered to merely be Herbert Greene, an associate professor and longtime member of Whitman’s Classics...
