Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 6
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Illustration by Megan Suka.

Counseling Center offers support group for students encountering professors outside campus

Lee Thomas, Currently avoiding multiple professors November 10, 2022

Students-Outside-Observing-Professors Therapy, Encouragement and Affinity (SOOP TEA) is the Whitman Counseling Center's newest support group. It is designed to address the difficulties experienced by students...

Guide to psychoanalyzing your professor’s office

Grace Canny, Psychoanalysis extraordinaire November 10, 2022

I know we’ve all been there in office hours. You are looking around like a fish out of water trying to take it all in. You say you’ll just steal glances here and there, but in reality, your eyes wander...

Illustration by M Hu.

Spoiler alert: there are no bears in the play “bare”

Conor Bartol, Bearly There November 10, 2022

My "bare" review in brief: I can barely bear the lack of bears in "bare." I have only myself to blame. When I reviewed a sneak preview of the new school play, "bare," I was expecting something of...

Studies link the usage of “daddy” to early-onset Dad Syndrome

Lee Thomas, CBS Survivor champion of 2009 November 3, 2022

Medical researchers at Zeus University uncovered a correlation between sexual partners using "daddy" and early-onset Dad Syndrome.  "It's a national epidemic," head scientist of the study, Dr. Himbo,...

Study shows that everyone actually is judging you, specifically

Ian Lewis, not replaced by thirty garden gnomes November 3, 2022

After weeks of careful analysis, polling and investigative journalism, The Wire can now confirm that you, the reader of this article, are being judged by everybody. For years, you’ve been under the...

Tragedy: cool, artsy guy actually just an econ major

Tragedy: cool, artsy guy actually just an econ major

Grace Canny, not much better than an econ major (politics) November 3, 2022

The tension was there from the beginning; he sat on the second tier in Olin 201, while you sat on the third. You noticed his style: weather appropriate footwear and interesting doodles. On top of all...

Photo by Oliver Baltzer.

“Rocky Horror” fucked (A recap)

Samantha Fitts, very drunk (hungover) November 3, 2022

Writer’s note: Below is the somewhat redacted recap for "Rocky Horror" I actually wrote while wasted that night. Anything in (parenthesis) or [square brackets] is my current, very hungover, edits...

“Phantom of Chism” returns just to tell sophomore to stfu

Carmel Stephan, pivoting to CS November 3, 2022

As some of you may recall, the last time "Phantom of Chism" (the bargain bin version of "Phantom of the Opera") made an appearance in the Hall of Music was last year after the Opera Workshop’s production...

Illustration by Eleanor Amer.

Guide to the BEST underground couples costume

Grace Canny, So recherché you had to look at what it even means October 27, 2022

It’s that time of the year when you should double-check your car registration … just kidding, it’s Halloween! You may be asking yourself: "What can I dress up as that perfectly displays my humor,...

Horrifying reversal: A pumpkin is trying to carve me

Conor Bartol, What terrible fruit hath grown from the seed of evil October 27, 2022

I consider myself a maestro with the kitchen knife, the seed scoopers, the gut grippers and the pumpkin peelers. I picture myself as a connoisseur of Cucurbitaceae, a sculptor cutting away at a gourd until...

Report: Whitman students spend 65% of all time on campus clueless, just having no idea

Ian Lewis, Bear Attack editor October 27, 2022

In a groundbreaking new study, local sociologists have now confirmed that Whitman students collectively spend almost two-thirds of their time having no idea what they’re supposed to be doing, whether...

A brief review of library etiquette

A brief review of library etiquette

Carmel Stephan, Hypocrite October 27, 2022

Like the rest of you, I was pulled under by the riptide that is midterms. Inspired by all the studious Sallys out there, I decided to step into the role of “student” and go to the library.  The...

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