The following article is a work of satire.

This week, we got something that was slightly more expensive, mostly because we’re tired of that sympathetic/reproachful look that the guy at the liquor store gives us in response to our rubbing-alcohol-esque purchases. To prove that guy wrong (can’t say this enough: fuck you “Steven” from the liquor store) we went a little classier and dropped an extra three dollars on a fifth of vodka: classy foreigner vodka! We were looking to get drunk straight European style, like we were sucking on one of Marie Antoinette’s ice-cold teats.

We are always on the lookout for authenticity, in our search for the world’s finest/cheapest liquors.

Monopolowa Vodka is definitely some authentic shit. How authentic? Look at their Web site: it looks like they ran straight polish through fucking babelfish and came up with something only half-comprehensible in the English language. The company that produces Monopolowa (which is, by the way, the Polish word for “state controlled and produced liquors”: no joke) is called Altvater Gessler, and “Vodka” is the only thing they produce whose name we understand.

We can only sort of guess as to what they are. Altvater we assume is some sort of bum wine because it bears a specious resemblance to “alternative water.” Krupnik is a traditional clown drink1 made from fermented/rotten honey.

Pilounówka is made from pillows… or something2.

Monopolowa is a Polish vodka, which is produced in Austria.3 Granted that the term ‘Austrian vodka’ seems like how Russians would euphemistically refer to beer, this is some pretty delicious shit.

Referring to vodka as ‘delicious’ seems a little ridiculous, we admit. Anybody who refers to themselves as a “vodka aficionados” is just a drunk with a couple of sport coats and a BA in English. By ‘delicious’ we merely mean that it was something short of mind-alteringly awful, and it didn’t make us go blind.

Usually we like to drink the liquors we talk about ‘neat’ but we had to chase it with something that went down smoother… like paint thinner.

In short, when we’re talking about vodka, we really have no means of discerning between the good and the bad. It’s all just ‘that liquid that makes me get along with my family/co-workers’ to us.   As the great Russian poet Stalin said once, “All’s well that ends well.”

What to drink with Monopolowa: Beer (Budem Zdorovy, Tom Cronin!)

What to eat with Monopolowa: Uniformly sized bread handed out at the state-monopoly bakery (it tastes like winter).

What activity to pursue while drinking Monopolowa: Writing a weighty, absurdly detailed tome about morality and death, while quietly plotting to murder your landlord.

What Music to Listen to While Drinking Monopolowa: The sound of your wife leaving you.