Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Isaacs Construction Uncovers President Penrose’s Tomb

Arie Knops, Corndog Librarian
April 27, 2017
Filed under Humor

The Isaacs Avenue construction team made a shocking discovery early Monday morning as they uncovered stairs leading to President Penrose’s tomb. The excavation is ongoing, but the tomb appears to be modeled after King Tutankhamun’s in Egypt. Penrose often called himself “The King Tut of Whitman”...

ComRADe: the Passionate Communism Housed Within Campus Skateboarding Culture

Anthony Reale, The Guy Who Would End Up a Cook if He Were Drafted
April 27, 2017
Filed under Humor

On any average day on Whitman’s campus, you’re bound to find quite a few people skateboarding, blasting past pedestrians with an excited, ‘Shaaaaaaaaaaa brooooooo!’ As common as a sighting of any duck or can of PBR, skateboards quite literally litter the campus–campus garbage collectors’ p...

Divination Professor Already Aware of Students Cheating on Her Final

Winston Weigand, Tinder MVP
April 27, 2017
Filed under Humor

Whitman College has never offered a course on divination–the practice of fortune telling–until this year. In fact, no other schools of higher education have even considered it before. “It was a risky move, we know. But we’ve all seen the Harry Potter movies. Magic is goshdarn real. If I want...

Students’ Optimism Withers as Semester Reaches Close

Rebecca Gluck, Fruit Dehydrator
April 27, 2017
Filed under Humor

With only a few weeks left in the spring semester, and with finals quickly approaching, Whitman students are starting to feel the end-of-school-year stress. In addition to the lack of sleep and lack of money for alcohol, most students have expressed a sense of impending doom looming over them. For...

Whitman Vampires Speak Out

Winston Weigand, Pokémon Trainer
April 13, 2017
Filed under Humor

For many first and second-year vampires, living on the Whitman College campus is no easy feat. To begin with, most dorm rooms are not appropriately furnished with adult-sized coffins (a few rooms in North Hall being the exception). Moreover, some vampires who have been alive for many centuries often...

Venmo in Trouble After Latest Scandal

Rebecca Gluck, Poodle Dyer
April 13, 2017
Filed under Humor

Venmo, the popular app that lets people transfer money to others for quick and easy payments, has recently landed itself in some hot water. After being investigated for involvement in black market exchanges, the FBI found that the app was indeed guilty. Among the selling of sea cucumbers and baby formula,...

US blocks UN’s no Nukes Vote by Bringing Nuke Along

Clara Wheeler, Assistant Chair
April 13, 2017
Filed under Humor

The United Nations’ meeting in March about banning nuclear weapons grew heated as the United States refused to get rid of its nuclear weapons. Switzerland kept urging the United States to be reasonable and to calm down, but tensions were brought even higher when Greece knocked over Germany’s glass...

Bob Dylan Reluctantly Accepts Nobel Prize

Anthony Reale, Not a Squirrel Piloting a Human Suit
April 13, 2017
Filed under Humor

Bob Dylan reluctantly swung by the Nobel Prize Office during a tour stop in Stockholm, Switzerland to pick up his Nobel Prize in Literature over April Fool’s Day weekend. Although many think of Dylan as a ‘cool cucumber,’ the famous singer-songwriter was neither cool nor cucumbery in his acceptance...

In the News this Week

Anthony Reale, MySpace Guru
April 6, 2017
Filed under Humor

Area man disappointed to find no whittling classes at Whitman College Feminism discovered to be cure for most serious diseases Campus celebrates as DVD screensaver hits exact corner of television screen Marrra having the fucking time of her life away from The Wire All vegans on earth reveal secret...

Students unsure how to spell ‘privilege’

Rebecca Gluck, Met Husband on Tinder
April 2, 2017
Filed under Humor

Last week’s annual intercollegiate spelling bee was historic in several ways. For one, all eight Ivy League schools were disqualified for alleged collusion, although they insisted it was a harmless business strategy. The second surprise was the broken record for most misspellings of a single word. ...

Paul Ryan’s search for love

Clara Wheeler, Pirate Administrative Professional
April 2, 2017
Filed under Humor

Paul Ryan (B-KN) has always looked like he is trying to hold back tears of disappointment, but in recent weeks, his expression betrays the great heartbreak hiding behind a thin façade. “I really thought this would be the one,” he said about his one true love, the American Health Care Act (AHCA). “But I ...

What Some Professors Do on 3-Day Weekends

Rebecca Gluck, Candle Designer
March 2, 2017
Filed under Humor

The three-day break last weekend gave students and professors a chance to relax, work on schoolwork and experiment with potent forms of recreational drugs. Among the professors who chose the latter option, William Brown, a chemistry professor, and Ari Stottle, a philosophy professor, were willing to...

Whitman news since 1896
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