Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Cops Call Crook’s Creators

Clara Wheeler, Cub Scout
March 9
Filed under Humor

Due to the recent ineffectiveness of gun control laws to keep dangerous firearms out of the hands of criminals, police all around the country have started taking more drastic measures to keep the streets safe. In a new act, police are calling criminals’ mothers to let them know what their children...

Attention: If You or a Loved One Have Been Probed By Aliens, You May Be Entitled to Financial Compensation

Winston Weigand, Ex-Cheetah Girl
March 9
Filed under Humor

Have you suddenly woken up in the middle of the night naked and sweating profusely? Are you plagued by disturbing mental images of tall, pale figures? Do you experience vague and recurrent pains? If so, it is likely that you have been abducted and probed by aliens. Recent studies show that thousands...

Clinton Family Christmas Wish List

Megumi Rierson, Humor Writer
December 1
Filed under Humor

The Clintons have seen better days. In the wake of a momentous election and the slow drip of appointments straight from the basket of deplorables, the holidays are bound to be more tense than they were in New Hampshire and Iowa. The Wire has obtained a partial family Christmas wish list to shed some li...

Econ Major Sonnet

Trevor Lewis, Humor Writer
November 10
Filed under Humor

I’ve heard it said that art majors are hot. And to economics majors I say That we reside inside the realm of not. And though I love our curves of yield today, Compare they can’t to all of physics’ charts. I’m sure that Chem bestows a sense of pride Econ majors never allow their...

Divestment movement expands fight against all forms of fossils

Clara Wheeler, Humor Writer
November 3
Filed under Humor

The Whitman Divestment movement needs to take things to the next level, according to club leader Gresham Merkel. The realization came about as the group was sitting around the GAC, eating leftover donuts and one-upping each other on how long they can go without showering. “We suddenly came to the r...

Comedian Andy Hendrickson performs at Reid Campus Center

Missy Gerlach, Staff Writer
October 27
Filed under A&E

The basement of Reid Campus Center is undoubtedly a change of scene for a comedian that made his career in New York City and currently lives in Los Angeles. Despite the different crowd, visiting comic Andy Hendrickson, who performed at Whitman College on Oct. 20, proved that his dry, witty humor transcend...

Students embrace “dicks out for Harambe”

Ben Freedman, humor page editor
October 20
Filed under Humor

  Nearly five months have passed since the world lost Harambe, our last true hero. In honor of this milestone, The Wire turned to Whitties to recall the legacy of our fallen gorilla comrade. In a recent string of interviews, students were asked to shed their own insight into our generation’s simple but poigna...

The Unanswered Questions of the Second Presidential Debate

Megumi Rierson, staff writer
October 20
Filed under Humor

The second presidential debate that aired last Sunday featured a smorgasbord of substantive policy discussions and comments by both candidates that will be cited heavily in the forthcoming history books on the implosion of American democracy. The debate was loosely structured as a town hall, where everyday Amer...

Me Try Impress Now

Trevor Lewis, staff writer
October 20
Filed under Humor

  Hello. Me couldn’t help but notice you very pretty lady. You think me pretty too? Me wear ironic button up with tiny schnauzers printed on it. Me lather Axe bodywash to disguise stink flesh smell. Me very, very cool. Maybe you want talk? Me excellent conversationalist. Approachable....

New Disinterest House to Open

Clara Wheeler, staff writer
October 9
Filed under Humor

In recent years, the Interest House Community has felt an absence in their ranks. “Some students simply do not care about anything,” said IHC Resident Director Jean Nye. “In a way, isn’t a complete lack of interest its own kind of passion?” This emptiness will be filled by the new Disinterest House, ...

SEC/Provost Partnership Ushers in New Academic Era

Megumi Rierson, staff writer
October 9
Filed under Humor

At the most recent faculty meeting, it was decided that the office of Student Engagement will no longer report directly to the Dean of Student Affairs, but rather the Dean of Faculty. The Dean of  Faculty is also known as the Provost or the Chief Academic Officer, and he is responsible for the directi...

New Class Offerings for White Male Fragility

Megumi Rierson, staff writer
October 5
Filed under Backpage

It’s been a tough run for the White Guys recently. In the past few months, they’ve braved the inaccurate media representations of Whites at Trump Rallies, indiscriminate and vague blame being placed on them in every politics class and the most recent leadership shake-up in one of their most cheris...

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Humor