As a freshman, I entered school this fall in the usual chaotic haze of new people, no parents and unlimited meal swipes. I never drank in high school, and entering college gave me access to a world I had only glimpsed in movies. One night I lost my friends and ended up drinking too much at a party. Instead of walking home as usual, a guy I never met before suggested we go back to his room to watch a movie, which seemed normal to me at the time. Instead, he lay down on top of me on his bed, pressing his erection into my stomach.
When I showed reluctance, he gave me a long speech explaining how sex wasn’t a big deal in college and “everyone does it.” I was drunk and alone in a frat with an upperclassman I had never seen before that night. When I tried to express how uncomfortable I was, he tried harder to persuade me. He told me this was just a small thing that would make us happy, that this is something everyone does, just something that happens at college. Words could never capture my fear and self-loathing in that moment. He was older, bigger and stronger. I felt I had no choice but to let him do what he wanted. For months after I believed it was all my fault. I was the one who went back with him, I was the one who couldn’t push him off me, who couldn’t run away, who couldn’t just sink into the floor and disappear.
It shouldn’t have taken two months to acknowledge that what transpired wasn’t consensual drunken sex; it was rape. But I was confused by what happened. I did not want to have sex that night, period, yet I still felt shame and responsibility. I thought since I hadn’t been able to stop him, I MUST have wanted it. But none of that is true. I had never wanted it. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t deserve it. He coerced and manipulated me, using my own weaknesses and insecurities against me. I should not be afraid to acknowledge the incident, yet writing this is one of the most difficult things I have ever done.
I didn’t write this article to share the private details of my life with the entire campus, but rather to address this growing problem. The Whitman bubble is a real thing, and the prevalence of sexual assault on our campus is due in part to our continuing ignorance. This is a difficult topic to think about and even more difficult to discuss. But silence is teaching victims that this is normal and that allowing perpetrators to believe what they are doing is O.K. Rape and sexual assault can come in many forms, but one thing they all have in common is a lack of consent. As a campus, we can do much more to change this.
On a campus our size, sexual assault will always be to close to home. I guarantee you are close friends with a victim or perpetrator and have interacted with many more. Sex is awkward, and trying to stop two people from leaving a party together is never going to be fun or easy. Watching two people stumble out of a party has gotten too familiar, and as a campus we have become far too comfortable with the concept of drunken hook-ups.
I am not suggesting hooking up after drinking is always terrible because it’s not. But the state of familiarity and normality our campus has associated with drunken hook-ups is extremely disturbing. As the new school year –– with new freshmen –– comes closer, I worry what happened to me will happen to others as well. The transition to college is scary and overwhelming at best; to be raped in your first months is a heartbreak I would never wish upon anyone.
I spent months going through a Title IX investigation, having to relive the worst night of my life and share intimate details with investigators I had never met before. The process was anything but easy; however, the support I received from my friends, sorority and even the administration was incredible. But the legal process of an investigation will always be unbelievably difficult, and there is never a guarantee of finding the offender responsible. Despite my best efforts, this experience has defined my freshman year.
Whitman is still my dream school, but there is plenty of room for improvement. Greek organizations should continue to find ways to make their parties safer for everyone. As a campus we need to face this head on because silence is allowing these patterns to continue. Being silent will not accomplish our goals; we need to remove the shame placed on victims and start meaningful conversations about this continuing problem. Parties can be fun. Hooking-up can be fun. But sexual assault is never fun and our campus is supporting an atmosphere that makes it too easy.
-Molly Unsworth ’18
