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CRISIS: Local Man Can’t Find Keys

Clara Wheeler, Tortilla Engineer

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The community is in a turmoil after Walla Walla local Paul Manning, 32, lost his keys last Sunday. “I swear I had them on me when I went into Safeway,” Manning said. “I am so embarrassed right now.” Manning had already checked all of his pockets, and had even gone back into the store to ask if they had seen his keys. Tragically, they had not. Paul repeatedly tried to reassure the rapidly growing crowd of dumbfounded bystanders that everything was fine, that he would find his keys soon and that they were probably just in one of his grocery bags. Nobody looked convinced.

However, the real question on everyone’s minds is whether or not Paul Manning can now be trusted with even the smallest of responsibilities. “I just don’t know if I can trust someone who can’t look after his own keys around my children,” said Deb Manning, his wife. Restaurant owner Joel Lopez released a statement that there will be a mandatory key check upon entry, just to make sure that only mature people are allowed in.

As the situation escalated, police dogs were called in to search for the missing keys, but were unable to hone in on the trail due to the overwhelming smell of marijuana coming from Manning’s car.

His life now in shambles, Manning tried to call a locksmith to unlock his car but every locksmith refused to help because of his overwhelming incompetence. “Aren’t you a grown man?” One of them scoffed. “Shouldn’t you be able to keep track of your belongings?”

At press time, Manning was standing in the parking lot, patting his pockets repeatedly and looking dazed.

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Whitman news since 1896
CRISIS: Local Man Can’t Find Keys