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Whitman Wire

Je Suis Sweden

Anthony Reale, Amateur LARPer

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The guns firing. The cannons booming. The civilians screaming. These are just a few descriptions of the civil war that has broken out in Sweden, just as the President of the United States predicted last week.

Reporters from The Wire were on the ground in the war zone in an attempt to gather information about the impending implosion.

However, our reporters couldn’t gather much from the civilians focused on maintaining their lives. The only information we’ve gotten so far are the following intense images.

Please be warned: some of these descriptions are quite graphic.

From news reporter, Christoph Hanky: “All I could hear was the booming of muskets, the shriek of the trebuchets. There were shattered ABBA records all around me. No one could see anything. Quietly, from the back corner of the room, ‘You can dance, you can jive…’”

From white people correspondent, Michael Shinstagram: “The meatballs. They were covered by debris. I saw them one moment and then the next, I was screaming, ‘MEATBALLS?!  MEATBALLS?!’ No luck though. Those meatballs were gone.”

Finally, from velvet backpack connoisseur, Peggo Lid: “It was peaceful for a while. Like an eye of the storm. No one had cried yet. No one had died yet. The danger was away from us. And then the darkness came. The Swedish flag was burning in one corner, and Hans Christian Anderson books were lit on fire in another corner. Women came streaming down the street, singing beautiful operas with tears in their eyes. Men were eating tobacco in order to save it from the oppressors. The IKEAs were closing their doors to the street for the final time. Then the muskets started again. The muskets that never stopped.”

The Wire hopes Sweden makes it through this very real, totally true crisis that definitely is happening for real.

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Whitman news since 1896
Je Suis Sweden