There is no clearer illustration of how the patriarchy controls the representation of women’s bodies than the story of the famous art critic who, on his wedding night, discovered in abject horror that (unlike Grecian statues) women have (not to put too fine a point on it) hair. Subsequently the marriage was not consummated. As The Pioneer‘s chief sex correspondent, I have decided to illuminate a few little-known facts about the female body for our male readers.

Acid spit

Why do bouncers let girls into clubs and not guys? There’s your answer.

The ability to smell a drop of blood in a swimming pool

One of the many reasons why women are very much like sharks.

Excessive ear hair

All women have excessive ear hair. We just shave it, so it’s impossible to tell. Ask your girl friends about it.

USB port

Located just under the right shoulder blade is a USB port that women use to read flash drives. We can also use it to recharge––like a phone!

 Crazy pouch

Why do women sometimes seem crazy? It’s actually a defense mechanism. Like ink for a squid, we store up the crazy until confronted with patriarchy. At this point we release it and make our escape. Wop. Wop. Wop. Wop. Wop.

Earlobes

As you’ve probably noticed, women have vestigial flaps of skin below their ears. Men don’t have these.

Sixth sense

We have one, but don’t ask us about it. It’s kinda weird.

Wandering Womb

The uterus wanders through the body in response to odors, loud noises or the wrong amount of sex. This wandering is the leading cause of many pathogens in women, from hysteria to knee problems. Look it up if you don’t believe me.

Wondering Womb

Occasionally, while not being used for childbearing (or wandering the body) the womb will submit random questions to the brain. For example: would skirts exist if it rained from the ground up?

LAX213 or OAK510 genes

These genes code for the “LA face” and the “Oakland booty.” Women usually have only one of these genes, but the occasional genetic mutation will occur in which women display both traits. This is exceedingly rare and highly prized.

Poop

Contrary to popular belief, women can actually poop. I mean, I never have, but I’m sure I could if I wanted to.

Vaginas

To date, no man has ever seen a vagina and lived. I’d describe them, but the horror knows no words.