by Stephen Carter & Dru Johnston

Hi First-Years. College can be tough. We should know.   We’re both fat.   So in order to help you through this tough transition, we’ve compiled a list of some helpful tips that we wish we were given.

Sincerely,
Dru and Stephen
-Do you own a guitar? Play your guitar at every opportunity!   Nobody finds you annoying!

-Having trouble deciding which fraternity to rush? We’ve compiled some lesser known pre-requisites for each of them:

Phis- You must have your own X-Box Live Headset.

Betas-     You must understand the irony of popping your collar.

TKEs- You cannot be able to produce a working definition of the word “irony.”

Sigs- No Prerequisites.

-Did you make a mistake and hook up with someone regrettable? Well that’s a little insulting but we had a good time.

-Are things not working out between yourself and your roommate? Maybe a little pep in your sex life is just what the doctor ordered. Try incorporating massage and oils into your lovemaking. If that doesn’t work, your RA has been trained by Reslife in the art of the menage a trois. But make sure to pour out your alcohol!

-Do you like food service? Keep in mind that Stephen and Dru would love to eat at food service and that you will never use all of your meals.

-Need someone to talk to? Send complaints to [email protected].