Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Macklemore Song Solves all Religious Conflict

Trevor Lewis, Staff Writer
September 8
Filed under Humor

We all knew you could do it, Macklemore!  Way to go!  In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last week, hip-hop recording artist Ben Haggerty obliterated growing tension between the Judeo-Christian West and Muslim east, singlehandedly ushering in an era of prosperity and understanding which will surely las...

This week in the news

Jeffrey Gustaveson, Staff Writer
September 8
Filed under Humor

-Post-80s dance Prentiss brunch the surest sign yet that the apocalypse is nigh -RA spends a heartbreaking amount of time making bathroom “Crush Board” poster that will be covered in phallic imagery within the week -Princeton Review ranks Whitman #1 with Birkenstock-to-Student ratio of 3:1 -Mik...

Retaliation Against Systematic Oppression of White Males

Clara Wheeler, staff writer
May 5
Filed under Humor

Whitman is known for its active student body, but one group especially feels that it has not received the recognition it deserves. The Whitman White Male Club will be hosting an all day protest next Tuesday. “We feel like recognition of the struggles that white men go through is underrepresented here at ...

15 Ways that a Thesis Lowers Your Standards

Austin Biehl, staff writer
May 5
Filed under Humor

Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash. You pee sitting down just to have a brief moment of rest. You stop washing dishes and instead start eating off of other household objects. You commence an eight page research paper on the day that it is due because any document less than 60 p...

Spin, Donut, Spin

Jack Swain, staff writer
May 5
Filed under Humor

Jack lived alone in a small house at the end of the block, adjacent to the convenience store. Inside the convenience store was a sign shaped like a pink donut. The sign would spin, around and around, day and night, without stopping, for ever and ever. As Jack fell asleep, he would watch the sign spin...

Trustees want YOU! (to think they care)

Megumi Rierson, staff writer
May 5
Filed under Humor

Whitman has recently undergone a number of name changes to the various campus institutions that promote a history of colonialism and a general white supremacist attitude. There’s that fun line slash thing in the title of The Pioneer, and we’ve confirmed in several ground breaking studies that, ...

Gummy Overdrive: And Now, the Weather

Gummy Overdrive: And Now, the Weather

April 30
Filed under Humor

Comic by Lya Hernandez...

Wolves Successfully Observe Sabbath, Crush Heathens

Austin Biehl, staff writer
April 28
Filed under Humor

Last Saturday the WWU Wolves faced off against the Whitman Missionaries in a Club Volleyball match that once again proved the necessity of the #prayforwhitman campaign so generously instigated by the WWU student body. The Wolves left the match with broad smiles and a deeper sense of faith, ready to give t...

God kinda busy right now, so hold on just a sec

Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writer
April 28
Filed under Humor

According to reports, God (of Heavenly Father fame), is kinda busy right now, so you’re just gonna have to hold on for a couple of minutes, ok? Telling reporters that the number of prayers he’s received in the last few weeks is just “too much,” even for a supreme, all-knowing being such as himse...

Two Cats in the Nighttime

Jack Swain, staff writer
April 28
Filed under Humor

Enter the scene: two vivacious, rapscallious alley cats descend a long brick staircase, old and worn, full of new-growth weeds and dandelions, finding their way among the cracks, surviving on just enough, simply being there, no clear purpose or destiny or motivations, just soaking it all in, good-for-nothing...

Whitties Helping Non-Whitties

Megumi Rierson, staff writer
April 28
Filed under Humor

As a humor writer for the Whitman College Pioneer (we’d love input on a less-racist name change, by the way), I am a vociferous proponent for making fun of the Whitman student body. Every day, I am bombarded with potential jokes about the various absurdities of living in this Birkenstoked hive min...

I Will Cut Your Hair For Free

Jack Swain, staff writer
April 21
Filed under Humor

  I walked along the river. The sun was out, and it sparkled across the surface of the water. Two old men exchanged a glance through the shop window. She ran the needle again and again through the deep, red fabric. Blowing softly in the breeze. The owls are in cahoots. The boys t...

Whitman news since 1896
Humor