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Whitman Wire

Students embrace “dicks out for Harambe”

Ben Freedman, humor page editor
October 20, 2016
Filed under Humor

  Nearly five months have passed since the world lost Harambe, our last true hero. In honor of this milestone, The Wire turned to Whitties to recall the legacy of our fallen gorilla comrade. In a recent string of interviews, students were asked to shed their own insight into our generation’s simple but poigna...

Article Not Labeled

Clara Wheeler, staff writer
October 20, 2016
Filed under Humor

“Nothing is black and white!” shouted protestors this Saturday, carrying signs painted with all the colors of the wind on various colors of poster board. A couple of them included pictures of pandas, with their monochrome coats dyed rainbow hues. This protest is just the latest in a series of demonst...

The Unanswered Questions of the Second Presidential Debate

Megumi Rierson, staff writer
October 20, 2016
Filed under Humor

The second presidential debate that aired last Sunday featured a smorgasbord of substantive policy discussions and comments by both candidates that will be cited heavily in the forthcoming history books on the implosion of American democracy. The debate was loosely structured as a town hall, where everyday Amer...

Me Try Impress Now

Trevor Lewis, staff writer
October 20, 2016
Filed under Humor

  Hello. Me couldn’t help but notice you very pretty lady. You think me pretty too? Me wear ironic button up with tiny schnauzers printed on it. Me lather Axe bodywash to disguise stink flesh smell. Me very, very cool. Maybe you want talk? Me excellent conversationalist. Approachable....

Jeb Bush Reportedly Doing a Lot Better

Trevor Lewis, staff writer
October 13, 2016
Filed under Humor

As an audio tape recording of Donald Trump making lewd remarks threatens to throw the Republican campaign into chaos, Jeb Bush was seen smiling contentedly from his gilded dog kennel inside the Koch Brothers’ family compound. “He’s really doing a lot better these days.  We’ve been feeding him wet food f...

New Disinterest House to Open

Clara Wheeler, staff writer
October 9, 2016
Filed under Humor

In recent years, the Interest House Community has felt an absence in their ranks. “Some students simply do not care about anything,” said IHC Resident Director Jean Nye. “In a way, isn’t a complete lack of interest its own kind of passion?” This emptiness will be filled by the new Disinterest House, ...

SEC/Provost Partnership Ushers in New Academic Era

Megumi Rierson, staff writer
October 9, 2016
Filed under Humor

At the most recent faculty meeting, it was decided that the office of Student Engagement will no longer report directly to the Dean of Student Affairs, but rather the Dean of Faculty. The Dean of  Faculty is also known as the Provost or the Chief Academic Officer, and he is responsible for the directi...

Whitman Admissions to Accept Vinyl Collections in Lieu of SAT Scores

Trevor Lewis, Staff Writer
October 5, 2016
Filed under Humor

As soon as he started looking at colleges, Tanner Ackerman knew Whitman was for him. However, after ironically quaffing one too many mang-o-ritas from a mason jar the night before, Tanner found that standardized testing did not reflect his full academic potential. In our parents’ day, Tanner would be at L...

Nobody in politics class sure how to pronounce “hegemony”

Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writer
October 5, 2016
Filed under Humor

EVERYWHERE IN MAXEY --  Releasing one enormous, resigned sigh as class discussion turned to the concept of hegemony, members of POL-130 collectively buckled-up for what was sure to be 40 grueling minutes of wild guesses as to the pronunciation of the key conceptual term. “If I’m being honest, d...

This Week in Reality TV: Presidential Debate!

James Leroux, staff writer
October 5, 2016
Filed under Humor

This past Monday, Sept. 26, at 6 p.m. Pacific Standard Time, the first of the 2016 Presidential Debates was broadcasted to 84 million people, setting a new record for viewership in presidential debate history. It was clear to anybody watching (excluding, of course, stupid people) that the debate was a wonderful repres...

Whitman Health Center to Hire New Staff

Clara Wheeler, staff writer
September 29, 2016
Filed under Humor

The Whitman Health Center is looking to hire several new staffers to deal with the seasonal influx of stuffy noses, sore throats and “a whole bunch of other gross drippy stuff we don’t want to touch,” primary and only doctor Purdon Whipple said. The number of students coming into the center su...

Alumni weekend helps students meet future selves, confront mortality

Megumi Rierson, staff writer
September 29, 2016
Filed under Humor

I walk into Reid on a Thursday afternoon to pick up my mail and my senses are immediately bombarded with the sounds of our prestigious alumni and their hoards of near-identical spawn, checking in for their weekend of nostalgia and quiet desperation. For students, alumni weekend provides a sobering r...

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