Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 6
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Two Skulls!

Jack Swain, staff writer February 25, 2016

I woke up very early today (far earlier than I usually ever do) and went to sit on my porch. It is a very nice porch. I am fond. I know I will miss it. In the morning it gets lots of sunlight. I am...

I Love My Mom

Jack Swain, staff writer February 18, 2016

I took a shower today. The walls of my shower are made of square tiles. Some of the tiles are white and some of them are light blue. There is a circular metal shower-head at the top of the shower. There...

Mascot Changed to the Fightin’ Ivory Towers

Mascot Changed to the Fightin’ Ivory Towers

Trevor Lewis, staff writer February 18, 2016

Illustration by Claire Revere.  Market analysts were able to confirm today that this has indeed been the most precipitous decline in white guilt on campus since George Bridges claimed to “have one...

How To Find Love In A Hopeless Places (Whitman on Valentine’s Day)

Megumi Rierson, staff writer February 18, 2016

Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash. Practice mating calls. At Whitman these will sound like, “I just think Bernie is the more progressive candidate” or “I could totally pull off a man bun,...

This Week In Politics

Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writer February 18, 2016

--Nation surprised when reminded that Supreme Court is still a thing --Ted Cruz announces plans to nominate himself to Supreme Court if elected --Anonymous source: Jeb Bush apparently still running...

Whitties Helping Whitties Get Laid

Whitties Helping Whitties Get Laid

Austin Biehl, staff writer February 11, 2016

Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash. Due to the fact that Whitman College is scenically located smack-dab in the middle of God-fuck-nowhere, the students here often struggle with finding sexual partners...

Whitman Socialist Front Embezzles Club Funds

Ben Freedman, humor edi February 11, 2016

After being ratified as a club by ASWC, the Whitman Socialist Front has begun to make a name for itself around campus, attracting droves of Whittie comrades looking to see who can “out-liberal” one...

Whitman Bubble Turns Physical

Clara Wheeler, staff writer February 11, 2016

In a shocking turn of events, the social separation that Whitman students feel from the rest of the world has formed a literal bubble around the campus. This newly-made translucent dome is impenetrable...

Help Birkenstock the Marginally Less Fortunate

Trevor Lewis, staff writer February 4, 2016

Did you know that somewhere on a liberal arts college campus every day, a hipster is forced to decide between donning the footwear of his choice and purchasing yet another pair of electric blue corduroy...

Snapchat Epidemic Annoyingly Persists

Ben Freedman, humor editor February 4, 2016

There is an epidemic spreading across the Whitman campus, and it shows no signs of decline. I’m talking of course, about Snapchatting. According to a recent poll, eight out of ten Whitman students admit...

Bicycle, Bike!

Jack Swain, staff writer February 4, 2016

I got my bike stolen last night. I found my broken lock in the gravel. Someone must have snipped it with a pair of bolt-cutters. I picked it up, and held its fragile body. It felt like a tiny, helpless...

Report: pluto “so done” with whole planet thing

Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writer January 28, 2016

Kuiper Belt, Solar System, Milky Way Pluto, the dwarf planet best known for its demotion from full planet ten years ago, released a statement on Thursday, saying it was, “So done with the whole planet...

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