Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 6
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Interfraternity Council Protests Pio Name Change at ASWC Senate

April 1, 2016
Seven dedicated members of Whitman’s fraternities banded together to protest the Pioneer name change at this week’s ASWC Senate meeting.

Alumni and Administration Enraged About the Name Change of…What’s that Paper Called Again?

Austin Biehl, staff writer March 10, 2016

In an unexpected turn of events, it seems that people have actually read an article published in the Pioneer. Vitriolic anger exploded last week when the Pio announced its radical decision to change its...

Prayer

Jack Swain, staff writer March 10, 2016

The sunlight that streams through our windows, yours and mine. The bugs that live in our houses, in our carpets. Whatever human quality necessitated the invention of picture frames. Elegant...

Horrified Mitch McConnell Wakes Up From Nightmare in which Trump is the GOP Nominee

Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writer March 10, 2016

  Washington, D.C. -- Waking in a panicked, cold sweat early Wednesday morning, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell breathed an enormous sigh of relief after reminding himself that his nightmare...

New Study Suggests Positive Relationship Between Tenure and Apathy

Trevor Lewis, staff writer March 10, 2016

While it has yet to be peer-reviewed, a groundbreaking new study from Georgetown University researchers points to a strong negative correlation between achieving tenure and caring about things. I reached...

Historic Rap Musical Hits Broadway

Clara Wheeler, staff writer March 10, 2016

Pope Leo X: I’m a patron of the arts and the head of the church, My power is supreme, but one man tries to besmirch My reputation with his declarations, his agitation of the rabble Is sure...

Bad Biscuits Make The Baker Broke, Bro

Jack Swain, staff writer March 3, 2016

“Do you know what you are doing after you graduate?” “What are you doing this summer?” “Are you nervous for your orals?” “What’s it like to be queer?” “Did you see the moon...

Breaking News: Mitochondria NOT the Powerhouse of the Cell

Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writer March 3, 2016

According to a groundbreaking study published Wednesday in Science Magazine, mitochondria are not, as previously thought, the powerhouses of the cell. The discovery was made by researchers within the Department...

Sororities Settle With Quasi-Autonomy For Foreseeable Future

Megumi Rierson, staff writer March 3, 2016

As we all know, Whitman has a longstanding tradition of reminding women that they are the inferior sex. Earlier in Whitman history, this tradition took the form of forcing women to live on campus all four...

Ankeny Excavation Reveals Lives of Nineteenth Century Students

Clara Wheeler, staff writer February 25, 2016

A recent excavation done by the Whitman archival team at a dig site in an undisclosed and inaccessible corner of Ankeny revealed pages from the ancient college newspaper Unnamed, founded by the community...

McConnell Rallies Support Against Supreme Court Appointment With Pagan Ritual Sacrifice

Ben Freedman, humor editor February 25, 2016

WASHINGTON – Late last Wednesday, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell conducted a traditional Pagan ritual sacrifice deep within his chambers to maintain Republican solidarity against accepting Supreme...

Liberal Whitties Rejoice at Human Death

Megumi Rierson, staff writer February 25, 2016

It’s no secret that Whitman students take pride in putting the capital L “Liberal” in Liberal Arts, but this week we have really outdone ourselves. Following legendary Supreme Court Justice Antonin...

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