Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Alumni weekend helps students meet future selves, confront mortality

Megumi Rierson, staff writer
September 29
Filed under Humor

I walk into Reid on a Thursday afternoon to pick up my mail and my senses are immediately bombarded with the sounds of our prestigious alumni and their hoards of near-identical spawn, checking in for their weekend of nostalgia and quiet desperation. For students, alumni weekend provides a sobering r...

Vigilante Feminists Are Gone. Who Will Save Gotham Now?

Trevor Lewis, Staff Writer
September 29
Filed under Humor

After collectively deciding that they were “the hero Gotham deserves but not the one it needs,” Whitman’s Vigilante Feminist group was last seen slinking away into a dark alley by the young son of Police Chief Commissioner Gordon. With Dr. Mansplain and The Gas Lighter still on the loose, this...

IFC President Impeached, Campus Falls Into Moral Abyss

Ben Freedman, Humor Editor
September 29
Filed under Humor

Seventy years ago, FDR signed executive order 9066, forcing Japanese-Americans to move into wartime internment camps. Twenty years ago, Bill Clinton accepted inter-marital fellatio inside the oval office. And just a few months ago, presidential hopeful Donald Trump called a U.S. federal judge unfit to...

Stein campaign makes big gains in latest poll

Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writer
September 22
Filed under Humor

According to the latest Associated Press poll, Green Party presidential candidate, Jill Stein has gained a commanding lead among likely voters in the Johnston household, with 75 percent of the family planning to support Stein come November. The figure represents a significant bump for Stein after an Augus...

How to Stand Out at Whitman

Megumi Rierson and writer
September 22
Filed under Humor

Going to Whitman can sometimes feel like going to school in a fishbowl of millennials that all look like various permutations of the same clean-cut, upper class millennial hive mother. Everywhere you look it seems like more and more Birkenstock-clad intellectuals in over-sized jean jackets and Free People bra...

Pros and Cons of Joining Linkedin

Ben Freedman, humor page editor
September 22
Filed under Humor

Pros: An appropriate platform to flaunt increasingly obsolete skill set for potential employers Somewhat satisfying to claim “limited working proficiency” for language other than English Momentarily get parents off back for not planning for professional life after Whitman Surprisingly u...

Local man uses Web M.D. to diagnose terminal ilness

Ben Freedman, Humor Page Editor
September 15
Filed under Humor

Walla Walla – After noticing an unfamiliar pain in his stomach, local man Jim Tidmond decided to “play it safe and check out Web M.D.,” before self-diagnosing a debilitating terminal illness. “It began last night,” began Tidmond. “I felt a strange pang in the corner of my stomach that wa...

Whitman Overhauls Image with New Mascot Ideas

Clara Wheeler, staff writer
September 15
Filed under Humor

Recently, the former Whitman mascot “the Missionaries” was deemed a mark of past times, a time when people killed others due to cultural differences. Luckily, we have advanced since then and the age of suffering by minority figures has ended, ushering in a new age which must have a new figurehead...

Campus republicans have less sense of humor than expected

Trevor Lewis, staff writer
September 15
Filed under Humor

Twelve o’clock descends upon the sweltering lawn as my attention is caught by a large sign with “Rick for President” written in large red and blue font. The activities fair is in full swing and my fraternity obligates me to sit sweaty and disgruntled behind a large folding table on the Cordiner side lawn...

Ritualistic elitism rings in new year

Megumi Rierson, staff writer
September 15
Filed under Humor

Recruitment season is upon us, which means the annual battle of the elitists commences in full swing. Every year around this time, Whitman students bunch their collective panties and prepare themselves for the showmanship of the everlasting conflict between Greeks and independents. For a few weeks in th...

Seasoned Campus Liberals Gear up for New Year of Political Apathy

Megumi Rierson, Staff Writer
September 8
Filed under Humor

The advent of the new school year brings with it the return of Whitman’s famously liberal, politically-engaged student body. The campus becomes a treasure trove of meaningful political discussion sparked by Nalgene stickers, Dank Meme Stashes and skimmed New York Times articles. At any point you coul...

Whitman to Accept Syrian Refugees in Order to Fulfill Diversity Quota

Ben Freedman, humor page editor
September 8
Filed under Humor

Early Wednesday morning, Dean of Admission Tony Cabasco announced that Whitman College is now accepting Syrian refugees in order to fulfill a growing need for campus diversity.

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