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Whitman Wire

Bon App to Crack Down on Food Theft

Clara Wheeler, Staff Writer
October 27, 2016
Filed under Humor

Bon App is sick and tired of having to buy new food all the time, said representative Flarm Jackson in an interview. “Finding new flavors of bagels gets real old real fast,” he went on. “Honestly, it was never that fun to begin with.” Students have been spotted exiting the dining halls carryi...

Little League to sue Whitman over potential new mascot

Jeffrey Gustaveson, Staff Reporter
October 27, 2016
Filed under Humor

Whitman’s search for a new mascot erupted in controversy this week after the local Little League announced plans to sue the college for copyright infringement. The Walla Walla Little League Association said Wednesday that it will file suit against Whitman unless one potential mascot, the Blue Ravens, is removed from con...

Election 2016: “Daddy, did the mean man make you cry again?”

Trevor Lewis, Staff Writer
October 27, 2016
Filed under Humor

After a brutal day on the campaign trail, an utterly demoralized Mike Pence checked into his hotel room at the Des Moines La Quinta Inn. Sources can confirm that while in the midst of consuming four pints of Häagen-Dazs, the disgraced governor of Indiana realized he couldn’t remember his children’s...

Student shamed for not mentioning intersectionality in politics class

Ben Freedman, Humor Editor
October 27, 2016
Filed under Humor

Late Thursday afternoon, sophomore Michael Johnson was reportedly publicly shamed when he failed to recognize the significance of intersectional identity in the context of his intro level race and ethnic studies course. “To be honest I thought I was killing it,” noted Johnson. “I was in my...

Students embrace “dicks out for Harambe”

Ben Freedman, humor page editor
October 20, 2016
Filed under Humor

  Nearly five months have passed since the world lost Harambe, our last true hero. In honor of this milestone, The Wire turned to Whitties to recall the legacy of our fallen gorilla comrade. In a recent string of interviews, students were asked to shed their own insight into our generation’s simple but poigna...

Article Not Labeled

Clara Wheeler, staff writer
October 20, 2016
Filed under Humor

“Nothing is black and white!” shouted protestors this Saturday, carrying signs painted with all the colors of the wind on various colors of poster board. A couple of them included pictures of pandas, with their monochrome coats dyed rainbow hues. This protest is just the latest in a series of demonst...

The Unanswered Questions of the Second Presidential Debate

Megumi Rierson, staff writer
October 20, 2016
Filed under Humor

The second presidential debate that aired last Sunday featured a smorgasbord of substantive policy discussions and comments by both candidates that will be cited heavily in the forthcoming history books on the implosion of American democracy. The debate was loosely structured as a town hall, where everyday Amer...

Me Try Impress Now

Trevor Lewis, staff writer
October 20, 2016
Filed under Humor

  Hello. Me couldn’t help but notice you very pretty lady. You think me pretty too? Me wear ironic button up with tiny schnauzers printed on it. Me lather Axe bodywash to disguise stink flesh smell. Me very, very cool. Maybe you want talk? Me excellent conversationalist. Approachable....

Jeb Bush Reportedly Doing a Lot Better

Trevor Lewis, staff writer
October 13, 2016
Filed under Humor

As an audio tape recording of Donald Trump making lewd remarks threatens to throw the Republican campaign into chaos, Jeb Bush was seen smiling contentedly from his gilded dog kennel inside the Koch Brothers’ family compound. “He’s really doing a lot better these days.  We’ve been feeding him wet food f...

New Disinterest House to Open

Clara Wheeler, staff writer
October 9, 2016
Filed under Humor

In recent years, the Interest House Community has felt an absence in their ranks. “Some students simply do not care about anything,” said IHC Resident Director Jean Nye. “In a way, isn’t a complete lack of interest its own kind of passion?” This emptiness will be filled by the new Disinterest House, ...

SEC/Provost Partnership Ushers in New Academic Era

Megumi Rierson, staff writer
October 9, 2016
Filed under Humor

At the most recent faculty meeting, it was decided that the office of Student Engagement will no longer report directly to the Dean of Student Affairs, but rather the Dean of Faculty. The Dean of  Faculty is also known as the Provost or the Chief Academic Officer, and he is responsible for the directi...

Whitman Admissions to Accept Vinyl Collections in Lieu of SAT Scores

Trevor Lewis, Staff Writer
October 5, 2016
Filed under Humor

As soon as he started looking at colleges, Tanner Ackerman knew Whitman was for him. However, after ironically quaffing one too many mang-o-ritas from a mason jar the night before, Tanner found that standardized testing did not reflect his full academic potential. In our parents’ day, Tanner would be at L...

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