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Whitman Wire

Bon App offers new “taste of Pyongyang” option at Reid Dinner

Ben Freedman, Humor Editor
December 8, 2016
Filed under Humor

In a move to emphasize Whitman’s commitment to cultural inclusion on campus, Bon App will now be offering a new “taste of Pyongyang” option at Reid Coffeehouse. Whitman College prides itself on offering a culturally rich and extensive range of foods, so it was only a matter of time until the No...

Whitman Administration’s Email Peer Review Process

Megumi Rierson, Humor Writer
December 8, 2016
Filed under Humor

Much has been said regarding the chain of emails from Juli Dunn and Chuck Cleveland about the recent druggings on Whitman campus, and although disagreements exist on the nature of the administration’s involvement in the investigation, students have unanimously agreed that the emails sent out to ke...

Student in Quandary after Door is Held for Her

Clara Wheeler, Humor Writer
December 8, 2016
Filed under Humor

Whitman student Jackie Daniels is totally freaking out right now because baseball team beauty Mike Bellafonte held open the door for her on her way to class, even though she was more than thirty feet away and had to walk faster to not make it weird. Sources report that Jackie was found crouched under th...

Clinton Family Christmas Wish List

Megumi Rierson, Humor Writer
December 1, 2016
Filed under Humor

The Clintons have seen better days. In the wake of a momentous election and the slow drip of appointments straight from the basket of deplorables, the holidays are bound to be more tense than they were in New Hampshire and Iowa. The Wire has obtained a partial family Christmas wish list to shed some li...

Whitman Parents Marvel at Matured Offspring

Clara Wheeler, Humor Writer
December 1, 2016
Filed under Humor

Recently, Whitman College won itself a ringing endorsement from parents of students who have come back home for Thanksgiving break as scholars and adults. One parent in particular, Vanessa Wallers, reported that her son Jack spent a large amount of the break curled up on the couch reading Plato’s “...

This week in politics

Jeffrey Gustaveson, Humor Writer
December 1, 2016
Filed under Humor

--Fidel Castro figures Trump Presidency as good a time as any to peace out --Reince Priebus revokes President-elect Trump’s Twitter access until he finishes last bite of steak --Nation’s liberals start believing in Santa for lack of better option --Report: Tryptophan to be used in Middle East...

Whitman Student Security Wins Best New Job of 2016

Ben Freedman, Humor Editor
December 1, 2016
Filed under Humor

It’s official. Just last week, Forbes released its most recent installment of the best new jobs of 2016, and Whitman’s student security position was crowned supreme. In unprecedented fashion, Whitman security positions rank number one in every relevant category, edging out both software developer an...

Steven Mnuchin Secures Treasury Secretary Nomination

Trevor Lewis, Humor Writer
December 1, 2016
Filed under Humor

President Elect Donald Trump was reportedly considering Bernie Madoff or a bag of open cocaine on the oval office floor  for the position of Treasury Secretary before deciding Mr. Mnuchin was more qualified for the task at hand.  Though he has never held public office before, Mnuchin had an illustri...

Storied history of well-meaning presidents continues

Trevor Lewis, Humor Writer
November 17, 2016
Filed under Humor

It’s official. On Jan. 20, 2017, a genuinely awful person will be sworn into the highest office in the land for the first time. I’m terrified and distraught. Luckily we have voices in the political community to rely on in times of tumult:   “I can’t think of a time our country has been more divid...

Top 8 Reasons People Didn’t Vote This Election Season

Jeffrey Gustaveson, Humor Writer
November 17, 2016
Filed under Humor

Close to 43 percent of eligible voters did not cast a ballot during last week’s election. Obviously, those 95 million fully-fledged adults must have had good reason to stay home, right? Sure enough, here are the top reasons people didn’t vote: Got really swamped signing online petitions to ...

Nate Silver Seeks Foreign Asylum

Megumi Rierson, Humor Writer
November 17, 2016
Filed under Humor

Nate Silver, the man who was right about everything until he wasn’t, is reportedly seeking foreign asylum after angry mobs of Subaru Foresters arrived at his house to protest the rigged election results of the past week. Silver, the young pollster who predicted a 70 percent chance of a Clinton preside...

What to do When You’ve Forgotten Someone’s Name

Clara Wheeler, Humor Writer
November 10, 2016
Filed under Humor

Uh oh. That person sees you again. You know the one, the nice young woman who knows your name but you have absolutely no idea who she is. Where do you know each other from? A shared class? Club activity? One night stand? She smiles at you and greets you by name. “Hey you,” you say before you pass each other...

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