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Whitman Wire

Storied history of well-meaning presidents continues

Trevor Lewis, Humor Writer
November 17, 2016
Filed under Humor

It’s official. On Jan. 20, 2017, a genuinely awful person will be sworn into the highest office in the land for the first time. I’m terrified and distraught. Luckily we have voices in the political community to rely on in times of tumult:   “I can’t think of a time our country has been more divid...

Top 8 Reasons People Didn’t Vote This Election Season

Jeffrey Gustaveson, Humor Writer
November 17, 2016
Filed under Humor

Close to 43 percent of eligible voters did not cast a ballot during last week’s election. Obviously, those 95 million fully-fledged adults must have had good reason to stay home, right? Sure enough, here are the top reasons people didn’t vote: Got really swamped signing online petitions to ...

Nate Silver Seeks Foreign Asylum

Megumi Rierson, Humor Writer
November 17, 2016
Filed under Humor

Nate Silver, the man who was right about everything until he wasn’t, is reportedly seeking foreign asylum after angry mobs of Subaru Foresters arrived at his house to protest the rigged election results of the past week. Silver, the young pollster who predicted a 70 percent chance of a Clinton preside...

What to do When You’ve Forgotten Someone’s Name

Clara Wheeler, Humor Writer
November 10, 2016
Filed under Humor

Uh oh. That person sees you again. You know the one, the nice young woman who knows your name but you have absolutely no idea who she is. Where do you know each other from? A shared class? Club activity? One night stand? She smiles at you and greets you by name. “Hey you,” you say before you pass each other...

Ballot Snap Story Yields Disappointing Number of Views

Megumi Rierson, Humor Writer
November 10, 2016
Filed under Humor

It was the perfect Snapchat story. The opening shot captures a few seconds of the bubbling in Hillary Clinton’s name and some forced wavering over other names for comedic effect. The hum of a bustling freshman dorm fills the background. The sound of a double-tap on the screen switches the view to sel...

Econ Major Sonnet

Trevor Lewis, Humor Writer
November 10, 2016
Filed under Humor

I’ve heard it said that art majors are hot. And to economics majors I say That we reside inside the realm of not. And though I love our curves of yield today, Compare they can’t to all of physics’ charts. I’m sure that Chem bestows a sense of pride Econ majors never allow their...

In The News

Ben Freedman, Humor Editor
November 10, 2016
Filed under Humor

MONDAY Study: BBMB Majors choose course of study solely for intellectual self-aggrandizement TUESDAY Thanksgiving dinner with Wisconsin extended family poses foreseeable conflict WEDNESDAY Beginning rock climbing reportedly “quite chill” THURSDAY Cute guy down the hall seems interested FRIDAY Board of Trustees bla...

Whitman divests from fossil fuels, invests endowment in Coltan mining operation in eastern Democratic Republic of the Congo

Ben Freedman, humor editor
November 8, 2016
Filed under Humor

Environmentally inclined Whitties rejoice! The years of hard work from Divest Whitman have finally paid off, and the board of trustees has listened to the call for climate justice. Effective immediately, Whitman College will divest its endowment from fossil fuel companies, and directly move the fund...

Divestment movement expands fight against all forms of fossils

Clara Wheeler, Humor Writer
November 3, 2016
Filed under Humor

The Whitman Divestment movement needs to take things to the next level, according to club leader Gresham Merkel. The realization came about as the group was sitting around the GAC, eating leftover donuts and one-upping each other on how long they can go without showering. “We suddenly came to the r...

Whitman Pets Petition for ASWC Recognition

Megumi Rierson, Humor Writer
November 3, 2016
Filed under Humor

Whitman has seen an unprecedented uptick in pet ownership in the past year as more students become convinced of their ability to care for another life just a few short years out from puking in the Jewett toilets. More than just a mode of coming to a sense of responsibility and ownership, Whitman pets provide an a...

The Bush Wins Coveted Glaucoma Prevention Award

Trevor Lewis, Humor Writer
November 3, 2016
Filed under Humor

History was made this Thursday at approximately 3:11 p.m. when residents of The Bush (by far Whitman’s most health-conscious off-campus house) were presented with the National Institute of Health’s prestigious Glaucoma Prevention Award. The massive golden trophy in the shape of a disembodied human eye was...

Dad Lives Vicariously Through Coaching Son’s Little League Team

Ben Freedman, Humor Editor
November 3, 2016
Filed under Humor

WALLA WALLA - Local father Normand Mathis is gearing up to coach another season of his son’s Little League baseball team once spring arrives. Although the Tadpoles had a dodgy record last year–winning only a single game due to disqualification, Mathis is confident that this season holds real promis...

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