Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman Vampires Speak Out

Winston Weigand, Pokémon Trainer
April 13, 2017
Filed under Humor

For many first and second-year vampires, living on the Whitman College campus is no easy feat. To begin with, most dorm rooms are not appropriately furnished with adult-sized coffins (a few rooms in North Hall being the exception). Moreover, some vampires who have been alive for many centuries often...

Venmo in Trouble After Latest Scandal

Rebecca Gluck, Poodle Dyer
April 13, 2017
Filed under Humor

Venmo, the popular app that lets people transfer money to others for quick and easy payments, has recently landed itself in some hot water. After being investigated for involvement in black market exchanges, the FBI found that the app was indeed guilty. Among the selling of sea cucumbers and baby formula,...

US blocks UN’s no Nukes Vote by Bringing Nuke Along

Clara Wheeler, Assistant Chair
April 13, 2017
Filed under Humor

The United Nations’ meeting in March about banning nuclear weapons grew heated as the United States refused to get rid of its nuclear weapons. Switzerland kept urging the United States to be reasonable and to calm down, but tensions were brought even higher when Greece knocked over Germany’s glass...

Bob Dylan Reluctantly Accepts Nobel Prize

Anthony Reale, Not a Squirrel Piloting a Human Suit
April 13, 2017
Filed under Humor

Bob Dylan reluctantly swung by the Nobel Prize Office during a tour stop in Stockholm, Switzerland to pick up his Nobel Prize in Literature over April Fool’s Day weekend. Although many think of Dylan as a ‘cool cucumber,’ the famous singer-songwriter was neither cool nor cucumbery in his acceptance...

The Tromp Detective Agency

Arie Knops, PhD
April 6, 2017
Filed under Humor

The Tromp administration continues to surprise the American public with new skills and thrills. Over the past few weeks it has become increasingly clear that the Tromp administration just might be one of the finest detective agencies on the planet. Not only have they solved numerous, previously unsolve...

In the News this Week

Anthony Reale, MySpace Guru
April 6, 2017
Filed under Humor

Area man disappointed to find no whittling classes at Whitman College Feminism discovered to be cure for most serious diseases Campus celebrates as DVD screensaver hits exact corner of television screen Marrra having the fucking time of her life away from The Wire All vegans on earth reveal secret...

Students unsure how to spell ‘privilege’

Rebecca Gluck, Met Husband on Tinder
April 2, 2017
Filed under Humor

Last week’s annual intercollegiate spelling bee was historic in several ways. For one, all eight Ivy League schools were disqualified for alleged collusion, although they insisted it was a harmless business strategy. The second surprise was the broken record for most misspellings of a single word. ...

Paul Ryan’s search for love

Clara Wheeler, Pirate Administrative Professional
April 2, 2017
Filed under Humor

Paul Ryan (B-KN) has always looked like he is trying to hold back tears of disappointment, but in recent weeks, his expression betrays the great heartbreak hiding behind a thin façade. “I really thought this would be the one,” he said about his one true love, the American Health Care Act (AHCA). “But I ...

Bon App Cultivates New Flavor Palate

Clara Wheeler, Cannonball
March 30, 2017
Filed under Humor

Opening early next week, Bon Appetít will start rolling out a new meat to tickle the taste buds and ensnare the senses–human flesh. They are excited to introduce Whitman College to this new culinary experience that has been sweeping the nation. Critics have hailed it as the new “in” food, having...

Sneezing in the Quiet Room: 5 Tips to Recover the Respect of Your Peers

Winston Weigand
March 30, 2017
Filed under Humor

If you’ve ever found yourself in the quiet room of Whitman College’s Penrose Library, then you certainly understand the severity of generating a sound louder than five decibels. For clarity, five decibels is quieter than the flustered breathing of a first-year girl who is perusing the Facebook page...

Netflix Announces Chef’s Table: Antarctica

Rebecca Gluck, Group Chat Watcher
March 30, 2017
Filed under Humor

The producers of Chef’s Table–a Netflix series that highlights the best chefs from different countries–announced last week that they will be adding Antarctica to the list of countries that the series explores. The announcement came after widespread protests and arson attempts occurred in McMurd...

Cops Call Crook’s Creators

Clara Wheeler, Cub Scout
March 9, 2017
Filed under Humor

Due to the recent ineffectiveness of gun control laws to keep dangerous firearms out of the hands of criminals, police all around the country have started taking more drastic measures to keep the streets safe. In a new act, police are calling criminals’ mothers to let them know what their children...

Whitman news since 1896
Humor