Whitman news since 1896

New Member of Scientology Surprised to Find Thetan Isn’t Satan with a Lisp: Tom Cruithe’th Thecret Comesth to Life

Rebecca Gluck, Life Choicer
February 16, 2017
Filed under Humor

When Ron Hughes first beheld the brilliant blue Las Vegas motel that is the Church of Scientology, he was in awe. The building seemed to have an aura of holiness around it, aided by cameras that shifted constantly. Hughes felt at home and couldn’t wait to join the line of people who were smiling and b... Read more »

NASA Discovers New Star

Clara Wheeler, Hollywood Astrologist
February 16, 2017
Filed under Humor

In breaking news, NASA identified a new star early last week, a couple meters to the right of the sun. The star, named Alice Merkel, is a high-energy being “with just a celestial body,” scientists at NASA gushed. They described Merkel as having a very reactive personality, and she is very excited t... Read more »

Historic Pioneer Park Changes Name to The Wire Park

Arie Knops, Doesn't Check His Email
February 16, 2017
Filed under Humor

The city of Walla Walla officially decided this week to change the name of Pioneer Park to The Wire Park. The park was founded in 1902, making it the oldest and most famous park in Walla Walla. Thus, such a significant change was met with some resistance from the community. Walla Walla citizen, Walter ... Read more »

Sean Spicer Returns Home, Dignity Intact

Anthony Reale, Mitchell's BFF
February 16, 2017
Filed under Humor

Last weekend, White House Press Secretariat Sean Spicer returned home for the first time in weeks. After being constantly on call for President Trunk for nearly a month, Spicer had a chance to kiss his wife and children, and pull his JCPenney loafers off, exposing the fungus hellscape inside. Desp... Read more »

In An Attempt to Smash Society’s Expectations, Men Across the Nation are Giving Birth

Winston Weigand, Slytherin Apologist
February 9, 2017
Filed under Humor

“Like, I feel like every year has a new energy. And I feel like this year is really about, like the year of just realizing stuff. And everyone around me, we’re all just like realizing things.” This excerpt from a Kylie Jenner announcement video, although intricately prepared and beautifully spoke... Read more »

Humor: Whitman Border Wall Reaches Completion

Anthony Reale, Eats His Vegetables
February 9, 2017
Filed under Humor

Nearly everyone on the Whitman campus understands that we live in a bubble, seperate from Walla Walla. We eat different food, wear different clothing and speak in a different language. In recent years, The Bubble has been breached a few times. The Banff Film Festival brought an onslaught of rand... Read more »

Delta Gamma Nuclear Program Reaches New Heights

Clara Wheeler, Super Professional
February 9, 2017
Filed under Humor

Whitman’s own chapter of Delta Gamma has reportedly filed a demand with the United States government to become their own sovereign nation, called DelGameria. This demand, which was initially met with scoffs and condescending head pats, is being taken more seriously after Delta Gamma revealed that they... Read more »

Where in the World is Lady Gaga’s Meat Dress?

Anthony Reale, Topiary By Day
January 28, 2017
Filed under Humor

Lady Gaga shocked the world seven years ago when she wore a dress entirely made of meat to the MTV Video Music Awards. Since then, Gaga has shifted to a definitely more textile-based fashion, but reporters at The Wire wondered what happened to the meat dress. After repeated calls to Gaga’s publicist... Read more »

Penrose Library: “Book-up” Culture Gone Wild

Winston Weigand, Angsty Ice Princess
January 28, 2017
Filed under Humor

Penrose Library, with its crystalline windows and its vast collection of texts, has long been hailed as the heart and soul of Whitman College’s campus. Thousands of students have passed through its doors at one time or another, excited to utilize the many different resources that it boasts. However,... Read more »

United States Eagerly Awaits Slaughter of Planned Parenthood

Clara Wheeler, Cardboard Boxer
January 28, 2017
Filed under Humor

With the defunding of Planned Parenthood coming closer and closer like the shark in Jaws, a lot of women across the country wait eagerly for the time that these services will cease to be affordable and available. Bottles of champagne will be opened, fireworks will go off and cherries will be popped un... Read more »

Nate Silver To Be Burned At Stake For Incorrect Election Predictions

Anthony Reale, Tortilla Salesman
January 26, 2017
Filed under Humor

Statistician Nate Silver up until recently had an unbeatable record calling elections. During the Year of Dumpster Fire (2016), Silver’s page became a haven for those not wanting the Literal Orange Peel to enter the highest office in the land. Silver’s blog, best known as FiveThirtyEight, called b... Read more »

Easy, Brie-sy, Beautiful: One Cheetos Artisan Tells All

Winston Weigand, Mustard Aficionado
January 26, 2017
Filed under Humor

For the first time in over two decades, a certified cheese artisan has agreed to sit down for an interview and spill his secrets. The last time this occurred was in 1992, when a former Cheez-It staffer revealed that their product was actually composed of synthetic emulsifiers, food dye and that... Read more »

Whitman news since 1896
Humor