Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Cops Call Crook’s Creators

Clara Wheeler, Cub Scout
March 9
Filed under Humor

Due to the recent ineffectiveness of gun control laws to keep dangerous firearms out of the hands of criminals, police all around the country have started taking more drastic measures to keep the streets safe. In a new act, police are calling criminals’ mothers to let them know what their children...

Attention: If You or a Loved One Have Been Probed By Aliens, You May Be Entitled to Financial Compensation

Winston Weigand, Ex-Cheetah Girl
March 9
Filed under Humor

Have you suddenly woken up in the middle of the night naked and sweating profusely? Are you plagued by disturbing mental images of tall, pale figures? Do you experience vague and recurrent pains? If so, it is likely that you have been abducted and probed by aliens. Recent studies show that thousands...

What Some Professors Do on 3-Day Weekends

Rebecca Gluck, Candle Designer
March 2
Filed under Humor

The three-day break last weekend gave students and professors a chance to relax, work on schoolwork and experiment with potent forms of recreational drugs. Among the professors who chose the latter option, William Brown, a chemistry professor, and Ari Stottle, a philosophy professor, were willing to...

Je Suis Sweden

Anthony Reale, Amateur LARPer
March 2
Filed under Humor

The guns firing. The cannons booming. The civilians screaming. These are just a few descriptions of the civil war that has broken out in Sweden, just as the President of the United States predicted last week. Reporters from The Wire were on the ground in the war zone in an attempt to gather informat...

Trump’s Security Chief Pick is Exactly Who We Expected: A Literal Bowl of Soup

Winston Weigand, Liberal Snowflake
March 2
Filed under Humor

In a sudden turn of events, the CEO of the United States, Donald Trump, has selected a new National Security Advisor. The previous NSA John F. Kelly was forcefully dismissed by Trump after his second cousin’s best friend’s cat-sitter posted a meme on Facebook that referred to Trump as “an amber-colored...

Kathlee Morray’s Fighting Ring Finally Shut Down

Arie Knops, Breitbart Reporter
March 2
Filed under Humor

After a multiple-year FBI investigation, concrete evidence of Kathlee Morray’s infamous student-fighting ring arose last Tuesday, causing the ring to finally shut down. FBI agent July Dunn, who worked undercover within Morray’s inner circle since her time at Whitman began, cracked the case after...

ASWC: No More Mr. Nice Senate

Clara Wheeler, Digital Optimizer
February 23
Filed under Humor

Since the dawn of time, the members of ASWC senate have been known for their deep-seated reverence of the noble duty of representing students. Their solemnity in their time-honored task is well marked by their attention to detailed procedure, and always going to meetings dressed like it’s a formal ...

In Support of Same-Sex Marriage, Two American Pizza Companies Have Gay-Married

Winston Weigand, Aspiring Petsitter
February 23
Filed under Humor

Not long ago, same-sex couples in America were completely barred from becoming officially married. Over time, however, individual states began to pass laws that legalized same-sex marriage, and in the summer of 2015, the U.S. Supreme Court ultimately took initiative and ruled that it was legal nationwide. With p...

Disney Teaches Brutal Lesson about Global Warming by Shutting Down Club Penguin

Anthony Reale, News Retorter
February 23
Filed under Humor

The Walt Disney Media Giant announced at the end of January that the children’s gaming platform Club Penguin would be shutting down after several years of success with both children 5 to 10 years old and perverts 40 to 55 years old. The decision came from behind closed doors very high up in the comp...

Asteroid Heads Towards Earth, No One Cares

Anthony Reale, Professional Pessimist
February 23
Filed under Humor

Last Tuesday, NASA discovered an asteroid the size of Canada headed straight for the United States. No panic was caused, however, as no one gives a shit about the Earth anymore. “It’s pretty much time the Earth gets what’s coming to it, after all the shit we’ve caused in the Solar System,...

New Member of Scientology Surprised to Find Thetan Isn’t Satan with a Lisp: Tom Cruithe’th Thecret Comesth to Life

Rebecca Gluck, Life Choicer
February 16
Filed under Humor

When Ron Hughes first beheld the brilliant blue Las Vegas motel that is the Church of Scientology, he was in awe. The building seemed to have an aura of holiness around it, aided by cameras that shifted constantly. Hughes felt at home and couldn’t wait to join the line of people who were smiling and b...

NASA Discovers New Star

Clara Wheeler, Hollywood Astrologist
February 16
Filed under Humor

In breaking news, NASA identified a new star early last week, a couple meters to the right of the sun. The star, named Alice Merkel, is a high-energy being “with just a celestial body,” scientists at NASA gushed. They described Merkel as having a very reactive personality, and she is very excited t...

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