Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Isaacs Construction Uncovers President Penrose’s Tomb

Arie Knops, Corndog Librarian
April 27, 2017
Filed under Humor

The Isaacs Avenue construction team made a shocking discovery early Monday morning as they uncovered stairs leading to President Penrose’s tomb. The excavation is ongoing, but the tomb appears to be modeled after King Tutankhamun’s in Egypt. Penrose often called himself “The King Tut of Whitman”...

ComRADe: the Passionate Communism Housed Within Campus Skateboarding Culture

Anthony Reale, The Guy Who Would End Up a Cook if He Were Drafted
April 27, 2017
Filed under Humor

On any average day on Whitman’s campus, you’re bound to find quite a few people skateboarding, blasting past pedestrians with an excited, ‘Shaaaaaaaaaaa brooooooo!’ As common as a sighting of any duck or can of PBR, skateboards quite literally litter the campus–campus garbage collectors’ p...

Divination Professor Already Aware of Students Cheating on Her Final

Winston Weigand, Tinder MVP
April 27, 2017
Filed under Humor

Whitman College has never offered a course on divination–the practice of fortune telling–until this year. In fact, no other schools of higher education have even considered it before. “It was a risky move, we know. But we’ve all seen the Harry Potter movies. Magic is goshdarn real. If I want...

Students’ Optimism Withers as Semester Reaches Close

Rebecca Gluck, Fruit Dehydrator
April 27, 2017
Filed under Humor

With only a few weeks left in the spring semester, and with finals quickly approaching, Whitman students are starting to feel the end-of-school-year stress. In addition to the lack of sleep and lack of money for alcohol, most students have expressed a sense of impending doom looming over them. For...

Whitman Trends

Anthony Reale, Crustacean Attorney
April 20, 2017
Filed under Humor

The Wire has been tracking the most popular trends at Whitman College for quite some time now. Here are the best, most heartily agreed-upon trends at the jewel of Snobville, USA: Gluten-free water: The college has boasted gluten-free water for quite some time now as a precaution for the Whitman ducks. We a...

New Zealand Quietly Secedes

Rebecca Gluck, Budding Alfalfa
April 20, 2017
Filed under Humor

Several months ago, the people of New Zealand made a historical decision. Instead of voting for a new representative to send to the United Nations, the country decided to secede not only from the water surrounding it, but also from the world. As of now, no one knows for sure where the island is. The only t...

Things Your Grandma Might Say About a Bag of Coffee Beans

Winston Weigand, Humor Writer
April 20, 2017
Filed under Humor

“Oh dear. This reminds me of the pouch of coins I used to carry to the market to buy milk and plague medicines.” “Are they like the Tic Tacs?” “I don’t know who that green woman on the front is, but she looks deceitful.” “Your grandparents would have loved this! They used to hit me...

CRISIS: Local Man Can’t Find Keys

Clara Wheeler, Tortilla Engineer
April 20, 2017
Filed under Humor

The community is in a turmoil after Walla Walla local Paul Manning, 32, lost his keys last Sunday. “I swear I had them on me when I went into Safeway,” Manning said. “I am so embarrassed right now.” Manning had already checked all of his pockets, and had even gone back into the store to ask if t...

Whitman Vampires Speak Out

Winston Weigand, Pokémon Trainer
April 13, 2017
Filed under Humor

For many first and second-year vampires, living on the Whitman College campus is no easy feat. To begin with, most dorm rooms are not appropriately furnished with adult-sized coffins (a few rooms in North Hall being the exception). Moreover, some vampires who have been alive for many centuries often...

Venmo in Trouble After Latest Scandal

Rebecca Gluck, Poodle Dyer
April 13, 2017
Filed under Humor

Venmo, the popular app that lets people transfer money to others for quick and easy payments, has recently landed itself in some hot water. After being investigated for involvement in black market exchanges, the FBI found that the app was indeed guilty. Among the selling of sea cucumbers and baby formula,...

US blocks UN’s no Nukes Vote by Bringing Nuke Along

Clara Wheeler, Assistant Chair
April 13, 2017
Filed under Humor

The United Nations’ meeting in March about banning nuclear weapons grew heated as the United States refused to get rid of its nuclear weapons. Switzerland kept urging the United States to be reasonable and to calm down, but tensions were brought even higher when Greece knocked over Germany’s glass...

Bob Dylan Reluctantly Accepts Nobel Prize

Anthony Reale, Not a Squirrel Piloting a Human Suit
April 13, 2017
Filed under Humor

Bob Dylan reluctantly swung by the Nobel Prize Office during a tour stop in Stockholm, Switzerland to pick up his Nobel Prize in Literature over April Fool’s Day weekend. Although many think of Dylan as a ‘cool cucumber,’ the famous singer-songwriter was neither cool nor cucumbery in his acceptance...

Whitman news since 1896
Humor